Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, January 22, 2010

I don't want to write this

I guess I should have expected it. Wacky thinking for more than one week couldn't lead to anything but. I should have expected it's arrival. Maybe I wished for a different outcome, but no. It's setting in. It's here. Hopelessness.

Hopeless. I hate the word. I hate the feeling. Yet here I sit ready for work with tears in my eyes feeling heavier and heavier. Maybe the stupid car, which is really no big deal, was the straw that broke through and released it. Maybe the thinking finally wore me out. I fought it and fought it, but eventually...well, maybe I've reached my limit. No matter the cause. I'm feeling heavy. I'm feeling hopeless.

Another foe in this wide world of mental treachery, I will fight it, too.


viclops said...

I can't say that I know exactly how you feel as our experiences are unique to each of us. But I can say that I am empathatic to your struggle and the challenge of battling depression. I am intimately familiar with the feeling of hopelessnes when battle fatigue sets in and the ensuing fear of falling so deep into the fox hole that you don’t know how you will ever climb back out takes over. My heart goes out to you. And though we are strangers, I’m in your corner rooting for the win.
I want to thank you for having the courage and the dedication to write about your experience here. It helps me know that I’m not alone in this struggle. It also reminds me to be kinder to myself during the challenging times.
Take good care. I wish you all the best.

etta said...

Such a loving comment, viclops. Thank you.

KAH said...

I found your blog yesterday. I was searching for something to speak to me, I found it. Keep writing, keep fighting. It's all we can do.