Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Not diggin' the pneumonia

The doctor thought I'd feel significantly better by now. Hmmmm... I wouldn't say significantly better. I am a little better, but I'm a little stir crazy, too. I've been inside doing nothing about 90% of the time. I have ventured out a bit. In fact, yesterday I was just going nuts so I went to the pool for a bit. I swam and kicked for about 20 minutes. I could only swim two laps before I needed to rest. So I had a lot of rest breaks with brief periods of activity. Nevertheless, it was just what I needed! My body needed to move.

Afterward, I needed to sleep. The swimming helped me nap more soundly. I'm sleeping, or trying to sleep at least three times a day. There's not much else I can do. I get tired going up and down the stairs for crying out loud!

This morning, I ventured out to an AA meeting and then to the gym to lift some weights. I tried to do a ten minute warm-up on the elliptical machine, but I just ended up hacking uncontrollably. Lifting weights didn't seem to bother me, so that was nice. More napping followed.

I thought all of this rest and sleep would have me feeling better by now. I'm a little concerned with my slow progress. I have too much time on my hands, and my thinking is starting to stink. I'm worried about my lost fitness. I'm concerned about my weight, which is steadily creeping upward. (The combination of holiday treats and inactivity is not great!) I'm scared my mood won't hold up for long. As you can see, too much time on my hands leads to too much thinking and worrying.

I know I need to be patient and deal only with the things I can control. I'm trying to remind myself of that. I'm trying to accept where I'm at and trust it will get better in time. At least that's what my therapist would tell me to do... But I'm frustrated and concerned. I'd like to feel better, now. Unrealistic, I know. So I guess I'll keep working on accepting where I'm at now, doing what I can now, and worrying less about where things will be tomorrow.

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