Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A big tumble

It started yesterday. During work, after work? I don't know exactly when it started, but by last night I was on the phone to my psychologist. I went to bed feeling low and with a headache. I woke up feeling miserable and with a migraine. I went back to bed and slept for hours.

The rest of the day has been only slightly better. I struggled through my workout, ran only one of my multiple errands, and took Puck swimming so I wouldn't have to expend any energy walking him. I just got out of bed again. It was another hour and a half nap this time. I'm tired. My head still hurts. And I just can't motivate to do much of anything. It's been an awful long day.

Is this a post triathlon let down? Is this the stress of starting a new job? I'm not sure what it is, but I don't like it. Feeling so low and lethargic makes going to a new job much more difficult. It makes training almost impossible. I don't have time for this. I can't afford to be lazy and stupid right now.

I'm feeling pressure to pull myself out of this quickly. Get over it. Move past it. Now. Now. Now. But I know feeling low and lethargic will only be magnified if I sit here and stress about feeling low and lethargic. I know that, and yet I'm stressed! I need to be sharp at work. I need energy and motivation to train. I'm not feeling patient. I'm not reminding myself that this, too, will pass. I want it to pass now.

Around and around I go. I'm stressed. I'm feeling low and lethargic. I'm stressed about feeling low and lethargic. The more I stress about how I'm feeling, the worse the feelings get. Around and around I go.

7 comments:

Liana said...

Oh I know that feeling too well Etta. It may well be post triathalon stress, and your body recovering. And anxiety from starting a new job. Its all stressful activity you know. May peace and motivation be with you soon. Liana.

Divas said...

I hope you get out of this cycle asap.
=(

One day at a time. One step at a time.

XOXO

Wallflower said...

If you find your way out of the maze, leave bread crumbs...?

Mohican said...

This is normal and natural after all the excitement of the race and the new job. What is important is to concentrate on developing the inner confidence that you can function during this time and it will pass.

Valerie said...

I hope you feel an upswing asap! It always sucks to be at those lame-ass lows.

Hang in there best you can...

Maggie Beth said...

Breath...breath...breath..breath.

I am 'calling post-tri' ~ I think your body is "coming down" from the energy and adrinilian (SP!?!?) that you invested in the tri.

Ride it out...don't force it - ride it....

You WILL get through it ~ and life will return to bright.......My favorite qoute is,"What the catepillar thought was death was life!" You are simply being reborn...(SMILE!)

Still Here said...

Hi Etta-

Your blog is gorgeous. Even on your 'low day' (with which I've become miserably familiar), your site and attitude exude a warmth and strong will. I'm trying to learn to give myself permission to be slow when necessary; I hope you'll do the same.

I'm new to blogging and brand new to depression, to which I was introduced by a mind-boggling bout of suicidality. I'd like to continue to follow your upbeat, healthy approach.

I'd be so appreciative of any feedback or advice you might have. My blog, 'Still Here: A Suicide Gone South in North Dakota' is at http://stillhere2172010.blogspot.com/

I'd like to know how you went about copyrighting your blog. If I ever regain any energy or confidence, I'd like to think I might publish or speak on the topic. So many people don't understand.... and others are languishing and dying as a result.

When I was admitted to the ER, one of the first questions the intake nurse asked was whether they should take any life-saving measures, should I begin to fail. Should a desperately (what I understand now to be) clinically depressed person be confronted with that kind of question?

Please stop by or offer some insight if you have a moment. Thanks... and congratulations on the triathalon!!

--Still Here



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