Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, April 24, 2010


It's raining hard outside, and that kind of matches my mood. Gray. Wet. I'm feeling a little lazy after a long week. I have a pile of laundry to do. Vacuuming and dusting are long overdue. I'm tired and a bit cranky, too.

This dreary mood is likely the result of my long week of training at work. The patient care was great, even easy, but the computer documentation was long, tedious, and overwhelming. Yesterday, I sat for 8 hours while listening to my trainer tell me how to fill out various required documents. Yes, 8 hours! My eyes were glazed over, and my brain was mush by the end of the day. It was a lengthy end to the long week.

And let's not forget my long week included the cat episode on Wednesday. I've had a difficult time letting go of that poor cat. I can't get him out of my head, and I keep replaying the whole scene. It's hard not knowing what happened to him. I feel bad for walking out of the vet, distraught. I wonder if I should return with $42 in hand, apologize, and inquire as to his condition. Yet I'm still angry at them for their attacking stance regarding payment. As I said, I was clearly distraught and just trying to do the right thing. I was in no shape to make rational decisions. It's all still so confusing and sad. I hope the cat is okay, or if not, at least I hope he didn't suffer too much.

The long week stress has haunted me at night, too. I keep having drinking dreams. When I awoke one morning earlier this week I was sure I had relapsed. It's not all that unusual for a recovered alcoholic to have drinking dreams, but I hate when they are so vivid that I confuse them for reality. I had another one last night--very annoying! My sponsor says I should ask God to remove them. Hmmm...I hadn't thought of that. It's definitely worth a shot. I'll give it a try tonight.

Speaking of drinking, I'm off to my AA meeting. Always helpful to hang out with like-minded souls when I'm feeling a bit off. I'm sure things will be looking up once I leave there. I hope so, anyway, because I've got two workouts to accomplish yet today. Hopefully, the weather, like my mood, will change soon.

Happiness grows in direct proportion to your acceptance and in inverse proportion to your expectations. --Michael J. Fox

1 comment:

Stacy said...

I like that quote you ended with!
I'm so sorry about your long stressful week. Maybe take some time today to do some self soothing things.
I with you on needing to do housework this weekend. Yet here I sit procrastinating. :)
Hope this coming week is a bit more low key for you.