Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Wiped out today...

I've had the biking clothing on since 10:00 AM. A seventy minute bike followed by a 30 minute run is on the schedule. There is a group triathlon training session tonight. And I'm supposed to be at a board meeting in 13 minutes. None of it has, nor will it happen.

I've hardly been able to lift my head off the pillow today. I managed to get a haircut, but I almost fell asleep in the chair. When I'm up, I feel like lead. When I lie down, I sleep. It looks like I am going to miss a workout for only the second time in this training session. I want to go. My body says no. I'm sure the stress of the swim is weighing me down, because this fatigue is definitely coming from my brain.

I swam again yesterday in the lake. It didn't go great. I stuck it out for 20 minutes. I couldn't stand it any longer than that. It was probably a tiny bit better than the last lake session, but I'm still so fearful. I still couldn't make it more than about 100 yards before I had to flip over onto my back. I pushed myself as long as I could, but once I got tired, the anxiety set in. Once I got anxious, it was almost impossible to keep going. And around and around the vicious circle went.

I spoke to my doctor and therapist about doing some sports psychology sessions to get past this fear. We're looking into that. Other than that, I'm spending more and more time contemplating calling the whole thing off...for now. I'm not giving up, but I'm thinking more seriously about pulling out of this triathlon and aiming toward one later in the season instead. My doctor agreed that may be the thing to do.

I guess neither of us wants to see me permanently fearful, which is what I think may happen if I have to get pulled out of the water emergently. I'd rather be better prepared, and less fearful, for the next one than attempt to jump in to this one too soon. Standing on the sidelines may be difficult, but it also might be the smartest thing to do.

So that's where I'm at today. Pooped, contemplative, and worried. Not much else to say, so I'll leave you with this (appropriate) quote by Dale Carnegie:

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.


Divas said...

I'm confident you'll conquer this fear since you're not a quitter. And just because you may have to delay the triathlon doesn't make you one, either.
I really admire your determination to keep trying!

Anonymous said...

I have learned that, for me, depressive episodes indicate a need for quiet inflection and conversation. I have learned that, for me, depression is a gift that forces me to do something for myself that I would not otherwise do.

Just my two cent's worth . . . it may not be applicable here.

- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)