Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

a med change

I apologize for not writing as frequently as I usually do. Things are still tough around here. My brain is broken. At least that's how I like to think of it sometimes. Thinking like that makes this damn illness less personal. It's not me failing. My brain is failing. (I suspect that type of thinking only makes sense to those of you who've experienced depression.) Right now my brain is failing all over the place!

Things got so dark and deep yesterday, I called my doctor. She suggested I increase one of my meds. I'm never a fan of changing meds, especially if the change is to add something. My little medication cocktail has been working so well for so long, I only like to mess with it if we're decreasing or discontinuing something. At this point, however, I don't think I have much choice but to change it up. It's a small change we're making, and I'm looking at it as temporary. Hopefully, it will help lift the darkness.

I think it's the right decision at this time. I've not been able to motivate or change the current state on my own. I'm frustrated and overwhelmed. I'm tired. I've got no motivation to do anything. Being around people is painful, and I'm feeling empty and dead inside. There's no time like the present to try something different.

I know this will pass. It has to. It always has before. It's been a long time since I've been in this place, and for that I am truly grateful. I just need to hang on, and that's what I'm trying to do. It would help if I could cut myself some slack, rather than beat myself up for being tired, lazy and useless, but I can't seem to get the hang of that. Eventually, whether I practice serene acceptance or beat myself up, this ride will end. Hopefully, my med change will speed up the process. In the meantime, I'll just keep hanging on.


A. Paige Turner said...

Etta - I am sorry you are feeling all of this - and feeling it so powerfully. I am also sorry (Selfishly) that I undestand as much as I do.

You are not 'broken' - you are recharging / rearranging - but not broken - there are no 'cracks' or missing pieces. As I read your post I remembered some of your writings about swimming in the open water.

Right now - you are out in the open water.....but remember! When you were in the race - you were in the openn water -- but you got out on the opposite side. Right now you are mid-way......

Just tred water right now....float.

Peace ~ Sweet Etta ~ Peace...

Maggie B.

TDR said...

Hi Etta,
I'm sorry to hear you are going through that. It is an awful place to be, and as I know from experience, changing meds can be a big shock to the system. And it always feels like a failure, too. It shouldn't, but it does.

But like the title of your blog says, depression is a marathon. And marathons are something you know something about. You are at a tough spot in the right now, but I am sure you can push on through and endure. You are strong.

By the way, speaking of marathons, I just got back from climbing Mt Fuji. By chance today was the day of the half-marathon race to the summit of Fuji, so as we came down the mountain we saw many runners, young and old, hurling themselves up the mountain. The endurance to do that is really something, and I hope I can channel some of that energy when I do my solo climb!


Anonymous said...

Etta, I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Depression is a bitch of a disease. But you're right-- it will end. I hope the med change helps. And try not to get down on yourself about the increase. Medications do not mean you are weak.

Wishing you well,

Anonymous said...

*Hugs* It is important to tell yourself that this has passed before and it will pass this time. You are a strong person and you will get through it. I tend to feel hopeless when the dark gets so terribly dark, but don't be hopeless. I like to pick one small nice thing I can do for myself during the darker times: maybe checking out a book from the library and giving myself an afternoon to read it, or trying a new kind of ice cream. Something like that. I believe in you!