Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

On my second cup...

I don't know why this happens sometimes. I guess it's because I'm human. For some reason, when I think of my fellow runners, I imagine they never have this issue. I imagine they bounce out of bed every morning. Sure in their plans for the day, they whip on their running gear and zip out the door. I, on the other hand, am on my second cup of coffee. My butt is firmly molded to my recliner. My mind is lost in mindless SportsCenter. I'm trying to wake up. I'm trying to motivate out the door. So far, I've not been successful.

I don't know why I can't motivate out the door. I only have 13 miles to run. Last week, I had 17, and everything went according to plan. I wonder if I'm too hard on myself. I wonder that a lot. I can't help it. I'm so sure those around me don't have the same struggles, although realistically I know they do. I just have a hard time believing it. And I know I'll motivate eventually, so there's no need to panic. Perhaps I just want everything to be easy, and that's far from realistic.

Things are going well. I've got to learn to take that in stride. I don't always have to battle. I think having an almost ten year battle with depression has put me constantly on guard. I've got to learn to be more kind to myself. That's been a life-long battle. I've always been more critical of me than you could ever be. My expectations of others are likely as unrealistic as are my expectations of myself. I picture others doing everything perfectly, while my slightest internal struggle (like today) causes me great concern. It's silly. Nobody is perfect, and therefore nobody can live up to my expectations. Boy, if that isn't setting myself up for failure and disappointment, I don't know what is! Revealing...

Things are going well. I will run my 13 miles today. But for now, I'm going to be kind. I'm going to finish my second cup.

Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.-- James Matthew Barrie

1 comment:

Imperfectly Healing said...

Well, I think your awesome for doing your 17 last week!!!Great job!