Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Feeling a bit better

If you've been following along, you know my brain has been a bit off lately. First I had screwed up thinking. That was followed by a precipitous dive in my mood, which scared the crap out of me! Well, I'm feeling a tiny bit better. My thinking has cleared, and my mood has elevated slightly, but it's still low.

It's nice not having screwed up, racing, nor intrusive thoughts, but my low mood is disturbing. Like I said, it is a little better. But of course I want it to be all better. I find I'm growing more impatient with these low mood episodes. Actually, my doctor pointed that out to me. She said she sensed I had an urgency to get through this. She was right. I was in a bit of panic mode, which was not helping at all!

I'm not sure what the urgency is about. Cognitively, I know this episode will pass. They always have in the past, and there is no reason to think this time will be any different. I know that. Yet I was pressuring myself to get better immediately. And I was fearful that if I didn't get better immediately, something big and tragic would happen. Strange.

My tolerance for feeling low seems to have decreased dramatically. I was feeling worried and shameful about that, but my psychologist put a positive spin on it for me. She said it made sense that I'd be more intolerant, as I spend much more time feeling good, rather than bad, these days. Hmmm...I think she's on to something. Feeling low is the exception rather than the rule. Now that is a nice thought.

This too shall pass.

1 comment:

The Girl From Back Then said...

I wish I could say I don't know how this goes. Just keep holding on when it all dips, and you'll anchor yourself.