Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

A hole in my heart.

I went snooping around on Facebook the other day. Bad idea. I discovered my ex apparently has twin baby boys. The ex and I had talked about having kids. We had planned to have kids. At this point in our lives, we would have had kids together. If only all had gone according to plan.

As we all know, plans don't always work out. If they did, I wouldn't have spent the last ten years of my life battling mental illness. I would have been pursuing multiple dreams instead, including the dream of having children. But the best laid plans...

I don't have kids. I'm too old now to tempt fate, and I don't have a partner anyway. So children are likely not in my future. It's my biggest regret. The fact that my ex continued along the path we had set, without me, stings.

This discovery has me suffering industrial strength sadness. I've cried more tears in the past few days than I have in the past year. The depth and intensity of my sadness caught me off guard. I'm sad. Very, very sad.

There is a hole in my heart. It is a hole which will likely never be filled. Perhaps it's been there all along, and this discovery brought it into my awareness. I feel like I am grieving. I guess I am grieving. I'm grieving for what will never be--children, my own children.

There is a hole in my heart, and I am sad.


AmbyLand said...

That truly sucks. There is nothing else to say but I just wanted you to know that someone was here and while I can only imagine your sadness, I feel for you. One of the hardest things for me is when my plans fail. Especially something like this. Thank you for sharing your true feelings.

A. Paige Turner said...

OH Etta, I have LIVED this exact experience! OMGawd!! I SSOO remember looking at the picture - those faces - that joy!! and I felt like my heart and soul ripped away from each other!

I am so sorry you have to feel this! SO VERY SORRY!

I do understand the hurt - I wish I didn't - but I do, and I cry WITH you!

I don't understand - WHY?

The answer for me was to come off FB - I am in NO WAY suggesting you do that! I simply realized each holiday, each family milestone my friends shared was another reminder of what I DON'T have - I want to focus on what I DO have.

I have my MIND (SMILE!) and I fought IN and THROUGH Hell for it! And I am creating a beautiful life.....You did the same, Etta.

I understand how it feels to be asked - Married? children? Then people STARE BLANKLY at you. You see the wheels turning, "Wonder why not? Is she gay? I'm okay with that....."

And more than ANYTHING you want to say, "Nope. I was busy desending into Hell and then climbing my way out one hot coal at a time."

I find it amazing that I have faced things that would make grown men p e e in their pants!!! but that is not honorable. Birthing a baby? THAT is honorable -- going through a pregnancy is honorable -- but "BIRTHING" a LIFE!! while destroying the desire to die - Like we did - means nothing.

I don't know why sweet Etta....

If I find out you are the first person I will tell....

HUGE HUGS and pass the Kleenex...

etta said...

Oh, Maggie Beth, I've missed you. Thanks.

The Blue Morpho said...

Wow, Maggie Beth had some great things to say, ""BIRTHING" a LIFE!! while destroying the desire to die" and "I was busy desending into Hell and then climbing my way out one hot coal at a time."

I am very, very sorry you have this pain.

I don't have kids, either. It is now quite physically unlikely. But I am not discounting all the ways I have opportunities to help young people grow, even if they are not mine. Nephew, students, neighbors. And who knows, maybe even something like foster children in the future. Maybe adoption, I don't know. I do know that there are so many ways to reach out to kids who need - it makes it easier for me, anyway, when thinking I won't have any of my own.
Adventures in Anxiety Land

Unknown said...

Feeling the genuine loss of a lifetime dream is a lingering pain. Be hopeful & vigilant, and continue to hold your heart & mind open to receive any opportunity for discovering, or rediscovering, another dream.

Feminist Voice with Disabilities said...

I don't have kids - or a spouse - either. I haven't even dated anyone since my ex boyfriend and I broke up and that was almost three years ago. I understand your pain, and it's true what Maggie said, that people do discount the experiences we go through. Living through nightmares and coming out on the other side of them is not something that our society gives us credit for. Nobody wants to hear about how you didn't kill yourself and that was a major accomplishment. Nobody really understands, if they don't have a mental illness themselves, what it's like to go through one, and how that changed one's life forever. I try not to think about the fact I'll probably never have kids. I try to tell myself it doesn't bother me too. But it does bother me, and I can see how it would affect you so much to see your ex's family pictures online. I would have a hard time seeing something like that. We're human, and loss hurts. But you have done so much with your life, achieved so much, overcome so much from what you've written here - that it's obvious you have a very full and valuable life. I hope that you can hold onto that, and the fact that there are other ways to nurture children and care for children without being a biological parent. I don't know if that helps you, but there are ways to do so. I think you are a strong person, and I think you are brave for discussing your sadness here rather than holding it inside and suffering through it all alone. You're helping others with your blog, a great deal.