Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, November 15, 2010

My broken brain

My brain is broken again. It's been going on for a few days. I've got broken thoughts. I've been dreaming broken dreams. My mood is a okay, but my brain is broken.

The catalyst, I think, was discovering the ex's kids. But I'm not sure about that because the last few days have really been the roughest. I'm having strange thoughts, repetitive thoughts, racing thoughts. Some of them scare me. Some of them make me feel unsafe. Some of them are just stupid. They're all annoying. They're all disconcerting.

I hate writing about this. It bothers me to have these thoughts. I don't like to admit to them. But maybe this makes sense to some of you. Maybe some of you don't like to admit them, too. So here I am admitting to my broken brain.

I'm working with my doc to fix my brain. A med we recently decreased may need to be restored to it's previous level. Of course I want to take as few meds as possible, but if that's what I need to do, I'll do it. Other than that, I'm trying to stick to my training schedule, work when I need to work, sleep when I need to sleep, and battle with my brain when it gets out of line. I'm making it sound easy. I wish it was. It's not. I hate my broken brain.

8 comments:

Imperfectly Healing said...

I can really relate to the feeling that your brain is broken. I always describe it as my brain feeling whacky.... it's like no matter what I do my thoughts are all over the place. No rhyme, no reason...but none of the thoughts are bad. I think it is good that we can see that our feelings are not our normal. I just keep telling myself that knowing I am having a "moment or two" is progress to how I used to be- when I acted on all of the whackiness. I hope you feel better soon.

...Drew

Winter said...

I found your blog while browsing through other depression blogs. I like the way you write. I can especially relate to the feeling of my brain breaking. Combating my own thoughts, struggling against myself for my own sanity, is something I hate having to do and hate admitting.

I wish you the best on fixing your brain. Feel better. :)

The Blue Morpho said...

How disconcerting. Yes, I've experienced what you are talking about, mostly connected with my anxiety disorders rather than the major depressive disorder. But they are all probably related, anyway. I'd like to suggest that your brain isn't broken, it's just doing what it can right now. Some days it is easier to run further and faster than others since your body is always in flux. So are our minds. It isn't broken, just off line for a while. Best wishes.
Adventures in Anxiety Land

Verity Vaudeville said...

I wish I could say I don't know all too well that underwhelming feeling of fracture. The bricks of depression summing up like lego, until you're full to the brim, but sloshing with a disquieting lonelines. All at once. It really does feel like your brain has malfunctioned and is refusing to do the thing it is intended for. And yet, the endless masquerade of pretending only serves to deepen the descent, thicken the tangible unreal, make the pathway that much less discernible. Sometimes it seems cruel the level of awareness you can have of the brokenness; like all you can do is know of it but never feeling able to do anything to repair.

I think all you can do is try not to demand so much of yourself for a while, get on with things, and hope your feelings catch up with you later. That's what I do, and sometimes it even works.

Maggie Beth said...

My brain seems slightly tilted right now also. I hope you have regained some eqaulibrium.....

Peace...

Nick said...

I know that i had really scattered thoughts all the time like a mini war was going on constantly battling everything that was going on even if it was something small but it happened all at the same time. I had just came back from a really bad state of depression to where i was having serious contemplations of leaving this earth because it was too much to handle.. however i belive that i got so depressed in the first place because i would think about the bad things and then try to analize them to the last wire... it drove me absolutly up the wall to the point that i looked a little crazy going from happy one min to sad the next because everything was just racing around up there in the good ol noggin. Well i was as a boy diagnosed with ADD but as my mom worring that everyone was just throwing their kids on this that I did not need to take any meds that i was fine like i was.. Well i struggled thru school alot because it was hard to concentrate and we moved around ALOT. But I am 24 now and these last 2 years have been the worst.. Well i went to go see a Doc and he gave me the test to see if i had ADD or depression.. turns out i have depression because of my ADD it never went away just increased in the times of stress.. Anyways the point of my story is that i have learned alot so far about life and conquring your inner challenges, when you find yourself getting down look for something that makes you happy instead. look at life like a challenge willing to take and take it by the horns dont let anything stand in your way. i read a good comment this past week and it said "Men dont look at the past and get down, theres no time for that, Men dont wonder why or ask questions,if they want it they take the risk, dont look back, and deal with the consequnces later." this is just an aspect of life do what YOU solely enjoy dont let anyone tell you different. look for the good push, strive, and then wreak the benefits from it. in the end that is what will help your an my situation.. Be strong even when your thoughts stray.. sitdown take a breah then maybe find something that you know you enjoy to pep you up and get you going.. the worst thing is dwell. ok heres a little quote to go out on. "A man’s great challenge is to develop the inner strength to express his true self. He must learn to share his love with the world without holding back. When a man is satisfied that he’s done that, he can make peace with death."

Anonymous said...

Thanks.

Myesha Moore, SPHR said...

Your wisdom is beyond your (I assume) 25 years now. I'm a mother with 2 children and an emotionally abusive husband. I went through the most traumatizing time in my life beginning 2 years ago when I lost, what I thought then was everything. Until I lost both my parents and godmother in a span of 7 months. My mother I watched go from the state of an Earthly goddess to a shrunken shadow of herself, screaming out in pain from cancer. I visited my godmother, who'd been friends with my mother more than 50 years, who told me that she was so lonely when she woke up in the morning, she was angry that she hadn't died on her sleep. The day before she died, she called me to wish me a happy birthday (a month early) and we laughed about it. Little did I know God was giving her the chance to say it because, for 38 years, she never forgot it. We joked that I was her REAL daughter and I cried so much she gave me to her "sister in the spirit". 4 months and 2 days after my mom left this Earth, her friend followed. My dad who was my rock of Gibraltar, the love of my life, I found dead in my parents home 10 minutes after he called me to tell me he wasn't feeling good. He'd died of a heart attack. So now I'm trying to figure all this out for myself - while life still demands that I be someone that I cannot. I appreciate your quotes and I will print them out. God bless each person who comes here seeking solace, as I have.



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