Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Up early

My dog doesn't know we turned the clocks back last night. Right on schedule, he was at my bedside wagging his tail. Unfortunately, today it was 5:30 AM rather than 6:30 AM; not that my body knows the difference either. I'm not a fan of turning the clocks back. I'd much rather have an extra hour of daylight during the evening, when I'm awake, than in the morning. It's time to get out my SAD light, I guess.

I had a good day yesterday. The hole in my heart is healing just a bit. I spent the first 4 miles of my 15 mile run letting Puck romp through the woods. He made me smile, and smile, and smile. I love watching him romp free, especially now. He is the picture of unabashed joy. After dropping him back at home, I finished my 15 miles. It was sunny and crisp, and my run went very well. I recovered while watching some entertaining college football, took a nap, and then got ready for an evening out.

Last night was my AA group's monthly celebration of sobriety anniversaries. A friend was celebrating one year of sobriety. We began the evening with his family at a nice local restaurant. It was a bit of splurge for me, but I figured I deserved it. After our dinner, we went to the meeting where cakes are presented. Each person who celebrated a sobriety anniversary in the previous month received a cake. Last night we celebrated almost 200 total years of sobriety with families and friends. It was a night filled with gratitude. It was also a good reminder of what I've been doing over the past several years--getting healthy.

That fact, the fact that I've spent my time getting healthy, doesn't take the sting out of not having children (see previous post). I'm trying to believe what others are telling me--that I was doing important work on myself battling depression and getting sober. I'm trying not to waste energy on regret and resentment. I don't know if I'm succeeding.

I think I'll always regret not having kids, but I can't do anything about it now. I'll let the sting subside with time, but the regret, I'm sure, will always remain. Resentment, on the other hand, I have to let go. I resent the illness which took the option of children away from me and sidetracked my life. That's where I'm stuck now. And resentment isn't good for me. I have to pray for the willingness to let it go. I'll take any prayers you have, too. Thanks.


Anonymous said...

over the past years your life has taken a different road than you had preferred. i believe you have the ability to achieve what you want; your determination and resolve are amazing. i also know you have nurtured a young man when no one else would; you gave him a better chance at life when his own family couldn't/wouldn't and you loved and believed in him and have continued to be a part of his world. having children is a wonderful thing but also is being a part of a person's life when they are lost and need love, no matter what age they are.

A. Paige Turner said...

I said prayers for you before you even asked ~ and I will continue to pray!

You have done amazing things Etta! And you are a remarkable woman. The fact you are amazing has nothing to do with anything you have or have not done. You are amazing woman just because you are Etta.

Always remember Etta many do not make it out of the darkness ~ they simply drown in it...

OH WOW!!! This song just came on the radio --- These lyrics are a perfect fit! If you have never heard this song take 3 minutes! It will be worth it.

Kutless ~ What Faith Can Do

((Me trying to type the lyrics during the song! LOL!!!))

It doesn't matter what you have heard

Impossible is not a word

It is just a reason for someone not to try

Life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way if you try

Overcome the odds....
when the world tells you you can't
It (faith) will tell you that you can

I've seen dreams that can move mountains

Hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling

I've seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That's what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes you will have the strength to rise....



Just Be Real said...

I am new to your blog, but so appreciated your transparency in your pain. Blessings to you dear one and thank you for sharing.

etta said...

Anonymous, Maggie Beth, and Just Be Real...thank you. I have the best readers on the planet. Thank you for your kind, thoughtful words.