Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Every day can't be a great day

Every day can't be a great day. That's what the song said. I turned up the radio, laughed ironically, and continued my afternoon drive home. Today was certainly not a great day. It was an overwhelming and stressful day, but it was definitely not a great day.

Actually, it's been a tough 36 hours. It started with the big truck repair yesterday--a repair so big it lasted until this afternoon. Then last night, my furnace shut off again. I had no heat despite paying $350 for a repair just five days ago! That made today, a day when I got a new patient, quite rushed, as I needed to make time to pick up my truck and to wait at home for the furnace repairman. Starting a patient can take up to 5 hours. All of a sudden I felt like I needed to be in three places at once.

So I rushed. I rushed as professionally as possible through my patients. I left my paperwork undone until I got home, and I did it while I waited for the repairman. I freaked out when the repairman informed me I likely needed another $350 part in order to fix the furnace. I don't have $350 extra dollars, so I told him I'd wait to see what happened. Perhaps, miraculously, it won't break down again. (Is that another ironic laugh I hear?)

After the repairman left I rushed off to the mechanic--a 30 minute drive each way--in order to pick up my truck before they closed. That's where I received my first bit of good news. I didn't need new brakes after all. So instead of a $700 repair, I only had to spend $500! (Insert another ironic laugh here.) Spending all of this money, money I don't feel I have to spend, makes me very anxious.

Tomorrow is my root canal repair surgery. I'm anxious about that, too. I have tomorrow's visit paid for, but I'm worried I may need more than one visit. I have an infection in the root of the tooth, and if the infection is too severe, the endodontist won't be able to repair it in one visit. More pain, more time, more money...

Today was one of those days. It didn't begin favorably, and it didn't improve much throughout the day. To make matters worse, I've been eating crap for three days. I think I crave crap when I'm stressed. COOKIES!! Eating cookies, and cake, and ice cream does nothing to improve my anxiety state. It only makes things worse mentally and physically. And making myself feel worse is really the last thing I need!

So I've got to turn this thing around. It's getting harder and harder for me to believe it will all work out, but I have to get back my faith. It will all work out. I may not like it. (I don't.) It may not be easy. (It isn't.) But eventually it will all work out. I have to believe that. I have to believe that, or life will only get more difficult. Right now, life's overwhelming and stressful, and I don't like it very much. But hey, every day can't be a great day. And tomorrow's got to be better.


Maggie Beth said...

No. Not everyday can be good. But today is over and Someone has already taken care of tomorrow. So you can rest for the night.....

Hang in there Ms. Etta.....

((PS)) OH -- Two words for you - Space Heater..You can grab one at Wally-World for aabout $20. They are much safer now!! They have thermostats and turn off if they get to hot or tip over. Worth their weight in gold.....

Jo said...

Hi Etta. Here's my mantra of sorts - I'll loan it to you, maybe it will help. "Not only is another world possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." Arundhati Roy

The Depressed Reader said...

Hi Etta,
Like they say, this too will pass. Like your blog's title says, depression (and indeed, life itself) is a marathon.

When I was out running last night I saw a guy with a Nike T-shirt with the "there is no finish line". I think this is really true for dealing with issues and problems. I think we often have a tendency to think that we will reach a point where everything will be okay, and then the kind of setbacks you've been going through recently come along. We get frustrated, angry, and, well, depressed.

But the problems will never stop coming. Life is an exercise in problem solving. Sometimes worse, sometimes better. I think accepting this is the key to minimizing our suffering.

That said, I hope that the hits ease up for a while and you can recover. You've been through a hell of a month, so fingers crossed things will improve soon.

AdmGln said...

Every day can't be a great day, but every day can't be a bad day either. Good luck.

Divas said...

I have that Nike There is no Finish Line shirt! Everyone is right. If today sucked, tomorrow won't! It's funny how we always notice the bad things that happen in threes but what about all the good things that happen in more than threes? Good luck tomorrow! I had a root canal in 2001 and you will be fine! =)

Maggie Beth said...

Oh how funny! My Fav. tee-shirt is a Nike! It looks likes an old school PE shirt and it says,

"Property of No One" LOVED IT!

As an athlete you will appreciate this one - I also have a tee from the Atlanta Para-olympic games - the front has their AWESOME logo! and on the back in HUGE font it says, "What's Your Exscuse?" That shirt hit a nerve during a very dark time MANY YEARS AGO!