Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Financial Stress

I called my sponsor this evening and asked, "So what's God's message in this BS?" The BS of which I was speaking was the recent piling on of unexpected, emergent, financial stressors. First, I found out I have an infection in a previously performed root canal. I don't have dental insurance. I had to go see a specialist on Tuesday. She described the procedure and detailed her financial policies. The up front, cash cost will be over 1300 dollars, and that's if everything goes perfectly. That was Tuesday.

Today I took my truck in to have some free work done on it, as Toyota had recalled a part. Unfortunately, the mechanics later informed me that my water pump, timing belt and rear brakes need to be replaced very soon. The grand total for these repairs? Around 800 dollars...! I felt my anxiety climb on the spot.

Financial stress is more stressful, anxiety producing, and worrisome than any other type of stress for me. I can hardly tolerate it. I was already trying to figure out how I would pay for my root canal repair. When told about my truck, my mind immediately began to race. Oh my God, I thought, how am I going to do this? If I pay for these things, which I have to do, I won't be able to make my house payment. If I can't make my house payment I'll get late fees. If I get late fees... It didn't take too many more thoughts such as these before I had thought myself into homelessness! It's called catastrophizing, and I drove myself crazy doing it all afternoon.

Finally, I called my sponsor. I explained what was happening. I told her how scared, overwhelmed and frustrated I was. I detailed my worries. I inquired, "What's the meaning behind this? What is God trying to tell me?" "Oh Honey," she said, "this isn't God testing you. This is life. And sometimes life sucks!" Strangely, I felt better.


Kelly said...

Sometimes it is nice to just be heard. I'm glad your sponsor was there for you.

A. Paige Turner said...

I LOVE your sponsor! She sounds Southern to me! (SMILE)!!

I am so grateful life sucks and not God.

But that in no way means I understand billions of bad or 'wrong' things that happen from tomorrow back to the beginning of time.

God is God and He can not lie - He says He will supply all of our NEEDS - He knows you need dental work and a safe vehicle.....HE KNOWS

Believe in miracles Etta ~ and add a PayPal button to your blog!


etta said...

Got your message MB. Regarding the PayPal button...thanks for the generous thought, but I don't think so.

Mike L. said...

Hey, I have a tip for next time something similar happens to you at a car repair shop.

There's generally a price car repair shops will think people are willing to pay to get their car working again. They may add up some repairs which you don't really need, and then fudge the prices of these repairs a bit until they end up with a price around $700-$800. They assume most people. though somewhat reluctant, will pay this amount.

However, if you ask them, "Is that the best you can do? Am I really getting the best deal here?" and sort of let on that you can't afford it, they'll more likely than not suddenly find some excuse to give you a discount.

But besides that, I'd like to compliment you for writing a very interesting, very real blog from what I've read so far.

I just ran my first marathon last November.

Good luck with blogging and running and life!

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel, I do exactly the same with financial stress too. I just feel so low right now, I hope I get through it like you.

TDR said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a financially stressful time right now, a lot of us are. Financial stress always sucks, and it sucks even more for those of us suffering from mental illness.

That said, I don't think there is a god that is sending you any kind of message. Sometimes life is good, sometimes life is bad. If, however, there is a god, it is illogical to credit him for the good things yet not blame him for the bad things. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

The reality is that you have worked incredibly hard to manage your depression, with help from friends, doctors, and medication. Your own efforts, and those of the real people in your life should be credited with helping you come as far as you have. And when the bad times come, as they do in everyone's lives, there is no grand plan, or destiny. We love to find meaning, but most often, there is no grand meaning.

The strength comes from you and yours, not from any fictional skydaddy. You've got through a lot, and I'm sure you'll get through this challenge too. My thoughts are with you.