Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Precipitous Plunge

This illness never ceases to amaze me. Things have been going well. I've been feeling well. My mood has been stable. It's been good. Until today. Today I awoke deep in the pit. Just like that.

There's no reason for the plunge. It's just part of the illness, I guess. I know that. But it still never ceases to amaze me how fast things can switch.

I awoke feeling low. Not sad, not angry, not frustrated...just low. And hopeless...that's how I knew it was my depression acting up. The hopelessness was the clue. My energy level matched my mood. I felt like a wet dish rag with nothing to offer anyone.

I tried to go about my day. I had set my alarm early in order to make it to the gym before work, but I couldn't get out of bed. After getting up I dragged myself around my house, worked a few hours, and then hit the gym at lunch. Once again, I just couldn't go. My 45 minute bike ride ended after only 25 minutes, and my effort was poor at best. I made it to a dental appointment before dragging home and climbing into bed. My day, as far as I was concerned, was done.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), Puck doesn't understand depression. He woke me up for dinner by wagging his tail against my bed. Depression or not, my boy still needed to eat! So here I sit. My head hurts. My body aches. My energy remains low. I plan to finish my bike ride even though the thought of it is overwhelming. If nothing else, I'll take Puck for a slow walk. I don't want to, but he needs care despite how I feel.

I feel like I need to attack this with whatever energy I can muster. I'm scared of it lasting beyond a day. I know it may last longer, but I also know it will pass. It will pass. I can't tell you how many times I repeated those three words today. It will pass. Damn, I wish it had never arrived.


klahanie said...

Yes, it will pass. I wish you well and keep maintaining that positive focus.
Much of what I post has a common bond with yours. I greatly appreciate the positive interaction that has been displayed on my site.
And, isn't nice to have a dog, a family member, as I call our beloved dog. For a dog passes no judgement and you receive unconditional love.
Stay positive and please realise you have my empathy.
With respect, Gary.

Kimi said...

Hi, Etta. I'm your new reader so I don't really know every thing what you've been through, except one thing: I know that you're diagnosed with depression.

But, I just want to tell you to keep writing. Share your feelings to your readers. Maybe your readers can't help you with therapy or such, but surely they will support you, and that include me. :-)

I hope after you wrote this post, you're feeling much better. ^^;

Divas said...

Sometimes we all have days like that where we are just drained. You are pushing through it and that is what counts.


Anonymous said...

Amazing how you put into words what I am feeling today. I've been here before but foolishly thought I would never be here again. Maybe it's time to seek help.

Thank you for writing.

Maggie Beth said...

Etta, we walk a fine line. For a while I used to panic at every "low day" or "sad thought" I was terrified "IT" had returned -- IT never has returned - but, on the rare occasions - when I feel truly sad or depressed - I embrace it (I KNOW THAT SOUNDS ODD!) - But I do embrace it - If it is a work day I am a little less talkative, maybe turn off the phone early in the evening and go to bed with a book - if I am really lucky and it is a weekend I lay low. I FEEL whatever feeling is going on - and I remind myself (just as you are doing) that it will pass. And it does. Be careful that in your attempt to 'push through' your sad days you don't push yourself 'over the edge' or into a darker place. Our bodies will talk to us - (just like Puck does) - but we have to listen. It is okay to give yourself some TLC Etta. Curl up with Puck, watch a movie and ride it out. You know I mean for a day or so - not a MONTH!!! You will never be able to outrun IT Etta! But you sure as hell can out smart IT! (WINK!)

Hope you are feeling better! Take care of yourself Etta!!

**A little off topic - but a great anology - This was YEARS ago - but I once read if someone is attempting to attack you or rob you (without a weapon)step INTO them - get as close to their chest as you can the further away you are the easier you are to hit -- the closer in you are the harder to get a hold of you (and them get away)! Certainly this is not true in every situation but you get the idea! Step into it so IT won't hit you harder later.

Maggie Beth said...

So are things better? - Worse?....

Just wonderin' about you.....

Maggie Beth said...

BTW - for New Year's I started a new blog to chronicle one of my resolutions - drop by - it may make you smile - it is just fun and not major deep -

Jo said...

Etta, just found you and am so glad I have. I went back and read through your blog and have taken great hope from your story that I'll be able to clamber out of the pit into the light. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'll keep reading and I know, from the strength and grace you have showed thus far, that you'll get through this new low you woke up to. The only way out is through right? Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

etta said...

Thank you all! And Jo, thank you, too. Comments like yours are what makes writing this blog worthwhile.

klahanie said...

You are most welcome. We are all in this together. We can all help reduce to the unfair stigma that still surrounds mental health issues.
Hope you might come and visit my empathetic, positive interaction blog, sometime. It would be an honour.
With respect, Gary:-)

TS Blogger said...

First time reader as well!

I've been trying to track the things that trigger my trips down to "The Pit". Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes, like you write here, it just happens. I find those trips the most frustrating of all. For me at least, it makes it a bit easier to have something to...well, not blame, but identify as the moment it all started over again.

Glad to have read first that you are on the way out sooner than usual. Definite good sign!

deniseg said...

Thank you, Etta. Today I awoke in the pit. Am really struggling. But feel hope reading your following post. I've fought this and kept quiet with this for so long. What a relief to stumble onto your blog and understand I'm not alone in this. Thank you.