Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Back to work

I'm going back to work today. I took two days off while attempting to climb out of this black hole in which I've been consumed. Actually, I took the time off at the suggestion of my doc. She told me Monday to take a medical leave, or so I thought, but then yesterday she told me she thought work would be helpful. I thought I was doing the right thing. Turns out I wasn't. At times like these, I don't have a clue what the right thing is or isn't. So I'm going back to work.

I'm going back to work today, and I'm scared to death. I feel anxious and numb at the same time. I don't know what I have to give to my patients, and they need me to give them something. I can't be a zombie, but I feel like a zombie. My chest hurts. There is a familiar ache deep within my soul. Will I burst into tears when my first patient opens her door? Seems like a definite possibility. But I pray that doesn't happen.

I'm going back to work today, and I don't feel ready. But then again, how will I ever know if I am ready? Will I ever feel ready? I don't feel ready right now. But as my friend Bill pointed out yesterday, I do have a history of pulling it together despite my health. And that's what I'm banking on, I guess, that I'll pull another rabbit out of my hat and get done what needs to be done. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Ask me at the end of the day. I'm hoping to make it at least that far.


Another Diamond Day said...

How was your day in work? I hope you managed to pull it together! I know how you feel, I struggle facing my day each day as well!

I hope your weekend will be kind to you! x

Vicki said...

Oh how I know that feeling - I'm out on FMLA right now. I go back Monday and am scared to death.

Wishing luck and love for the day

Ann Hale said...

It's nearing the end of the work day where I am. How did it go? Was it as bad as you thought or did work help take your mind off things?

Kinza said...

Yes, I know the feeling. Being "forced" to do something although not feeling capable of it at all... and pulling the thing off in an OK-ish way doesn't really make you feel better afterward, you just simply return to the old black hole. But you return to the old black hole with the knowledge that if/when necessary, there is more energy inside you than you are aware of.
Thinking of you!