Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, March 21, 2011


Life is moving forward for everyone, it seems, but me. I am stuck in a holding pattern. I've been able to do little over the past several days. My mood remains quite low, and my thoughts quite dark. I've been in constant contact with either my sponsor, my social worker, my psychologist or my doctor. They've each lent a hand. I've talked with my sponsor almost daily, and we've gone to a couple of AA meetings together. My doctor adjusted my meds. That seems to have helped the thinking just a bit. My social worker came and sat with me on a particularly dark and scary afternoon. That was helpful. And my psychologist has reassured me more than once over the phone. But mostly, I've spent my time curled up and covered up on my sofa with Puck lying at my feet.  

I've got friends offering to take me into their homes. I haven't gone, not out of stubbornness or self-pity, but because I'd have to put on that slight smile and be minimally sociable, even though they know I feel like crap. That prospect is overwhelming, so I've stayed at home. At least here I can just be. I am in familiar surroundings with no expectations. That's about all I can handle for now. I can't cook. I can't clean. I don't want to talk on the phone. I can barely shower. Sleep, right now, seems my only respite.

I'm holding on. That's all I can do. I'm working with the people with whom I need to work. I'm grateful to have trustworthy people who are willing to work with me, too. Together, we will get through. I know that. But for now, I'm just holding on.


Unknown said...

Oh how I know that fake smile. I was a master of that smile. Fake sociability, fake happiness.

I refuse to do it any longer


Punch said...

hang in there sweetie. I so wish that my words could truly help in some way. I loathe being in that place, the feeling of helplessness and despair. Much love and hugs.

If it was simply a matter of will, we'd never be here.

Kinza said...

Yes, I know you will get through. And that it is not easy. And I love you for hanging on, and getting through eventually!

Frankie said...

Etta, I've been reading your blog of late. Know that you are helping people by being so open and raw...I can relate and it makes a difference to know that I'm not alone...I'm with you sista.

Rose said...

Hi Etta,
I've just started reading your blog.
I know what it's like to feel lost and hopeless.

You have a lot of courage to keep blogging and sharing your feelings with others.

Please keep sharing and blogging. We are all pulling for you.