Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Where do the tears go?

I'm feeling so low. Yet I cannot cry. Where do the tears go? They've apparently disappeared with the rest of my soul into the deep darkness, which has yet to abate. In fact, I'm darker and the darkness is deeper. I'm feeling sad, so sad. I've reached a point where I feel tearful, without energy, and alone all the time. I'm numb, yet I hurt. It's a deep, dark ache in the middle of my soul. My heart feels heavy, like a leaden weight in the middle of my chest. It doesn't beat. It just hangs there--heavy and low. I'm numb, yet I hurt. I'm so numb I can't even cry. Though my body wants to stream it all away, no tears will come. Where do the tears go?

Tears seem insufficient anyway. I crave oblivion. Drinking, drugs, food, your poison, anything to drive out the pain. I crave whatever will take me there, and it's a scary place to be. Oblivion seems the only way.

It's been quite awhile since I've felt this way. Scared. Craving oblivion. It's harder and harder to hang onto the temporary nature of pain. They say it will pass. They are not here, within, experiencing the despair. The light at the end of the tunnel has grown frightfully dim.


Saracide said...

I can relate to this feeling. Hang in there... it always seems to pass.. but seems like it takes ages.

Anonymous said...

I am thinking and praying for you. Love!

AmbyLand said...

Your blog has helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am still not there but its getting brighter. I wish I could hold your hand.

Kitty said...

I hope things get better for you soon; I'm praying for you!

Cadan Henry said...

this may sound silly but when i felt that way especially after i'd stopped using alcohol, i'd excercise. it helped with the feeling of anxiety and whatever chemicals are released during the work out left me feeling much better overall.


Julie said...

I'm struggling now also. We need to both hang in there and know (from past experience) that a better day will be coming, even though it is really dark now. Your blog has helped me so much. I feel like someone understands me and I'm not alone. I look forward to reading your blog. You are an inspiration to so many people who try to live a fulfilling life with depression.

Antoni :) said...

No matter how low you feel, remember that it's just a story you are telling yourself. Never listen to the negative self-talk. It's just a lie and dismiss it as quickly as you can. Positivity is amazing medicine. You are not alone. Hang on in there.

Lynn said...

I echo Julie's response: I've been struggling as well, unable to sleep, my routine out of whack, etc. It's been such a help--a kind of relief, if that makes sense--to read your entries as you deal with depression. Of course it's great to hear when things are going well, but I so appreciate your honesty and willingness to share when they're not. It's a reminder that none of us are alone in our struggles, and helps me deal with the overpowering sense of failure and shame that's always part of my low points. My thoughts are with you; take care of yourself. As you know, it will get better. In the meantime, thank you a thousand times for inviting us along. You're a bright spot; even though things are dark for you right now, please know that you're providing an enormous service for the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

Please take lots of care and try to be kind to yourself during this tough time.
I've never posted on any blog before but you are inspirational and your blog has helped me so much. I hope that you are able to gain some help and support, both from those who comment and all who read, reflect and pray for you both in the USA and worldwide.
Very best wishes.

etta said...

Dear Readers:
I am humbled by your sincere thoughts and your words of gratitude. So truly humbled... Thank you for letting me know I've made a difference--even when my life and my writing is less than cheerful. I feel very blessed today.

shah wharton said...

I have bipolar, so have spent a lot of time where you appear to be. You have a strong following here on your beautiful blog and there is something to lean on and be grateful for. I always found telling myself repeatedly, like a mantra -

'This feeling is a chemical reaction. Only a chemical reaction.'

It helps me to belittle it's power so to speak. It can feel all consuming, powerful, almost God-like in its ability to crush you. But it is in fact only a chemical reaction within your head which will eventually go and leave you as you'd been before it arrived - though worn out out no doubt.

I realise it takes effort to believe in such mantra - especially when you feel so crushed. I hop it works for you even a little. A speck of light in the dark can be all that makes the difference.

Shah. X

Anonymous said...

I feel exactly the same way...your words express it perfectly for me.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this blog. I have been searching to find if anyone could possibly understand how I feel. Although we are far from the same I truly understand your words. I again thank you for sharing them, I know it wouldn't have been easy for you.

Please take care and stay safe.

Anonymous said...

Wow your way with words... I feel exactly that, numb yet I hurt. Dark shadows and a heavy heart. I once felt so alive and bright, there was this sparkle about me but that feels so long ago. I miss it. In the midst of it all though it's comforting to know we're not alone so thank you for sharing. Of course this too shall pass, but you're right they're not in the midst of it all. I hope time has helped heal. God Bless