Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Doing the right things...

You're doing the right things. That's what they all keep telling me; my friends, my therapist, and my social worker. You're doing everything you can do. You're doing it. You're moving forward. You're putting one foot in front of the other. You are doing the right things. That's what they're saying. That's apparently what I'm doing, but it's not working. If I'm doing everything right, why don't I feel any better?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it? If I'm doing everything right; if I'm doing what I can to keep moving forward, despite how desperate I feel, why isn't it helping? Why can't I fix this dive into the abyss? This free fall... It's like packing the parachute perfectly, deploying it expertly, and still splatting to the ground! Where's the reward? And if there's no reward, why continue? How much longer can I, or will I, keep moving forward if moving takes me nowhere? It's another million dollar question.

I'm tired today. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of putting one foot in front of the other yet going no place. I'm tired of doing the right things without positive results. It's demoralizing. It's hard. It makes me feel desperate. It's depression, and today I'm tired of struggling with it.


Katie said...

God i know exactly what this feels like. I'm 15 years old and only beginning this nightmare, but i feel like there is not going to be any waking up soon. I'm supposed to go on antidepressants soon... do you have any tips/hints? You seem like a really reliable person, i just found this blog. I wish you luck.

etta said...

Welcome, Katie!
I had depression when I was 15 as well. But after a few years, it went away, and I was fine until it came back 10 years ago. So there is definitely hope.

My suggestion regarding the meds is to find a good psychiatrist. Your doc should be someone you find it easy to talk to, who listens to you, and most importantly whom you trust. Be honest with your doctor and listen to what he/she recommends.

This illness sucks, but it doesn't have to control your life. Don't let it. Remember it is an illness. It is not you. (Pretend it's cancer if that helps.) Respect it. Treat it. And live every moment to the best of your ability.

Take care!

Kinza said...

I know it is hard. But think about it: can it get any harder? For me the answer is often NO, which is kind of a strangely calming thought: if it does not get any harder, I can do that - but if it gets harder, I will break anyway and will not be in charge anymore, so it will be easier...
Probably it does not make much sense. But hang on! x

Michele said...

I am in the same place and really understand how hard it is. I really admire your ability to keep fighting and doing the right things. Are you planning a run today? I am going to force myself out on a 5k walk. I hope the sun is shining where you are. Take good care today.

getting there said...'s not posting my comment. You are an inspiration to me in that you keep doing the right things during the hardest of times. I hope you start to feel a bit better as the day rolls on. Maybe a nice run is in order? I am going to push myself out therenforna walk. Take good care.

Anonymous said...

Hi Etta. I know that blinding darkness that is depression, which at times doesn't lift to allow you to see the reality that you are indeed moving forward. I have no answers. It is a struggle some of us have to get through. But know that you are making a difference for me and others who struggle like you with Depression. I wish a long moment of serenity for you.

Ann Hale said...


I'm so sorry that even with all this help, it's not helping.

This may sound like a silly question, but has anyone suggested Deplin to you? I've been on various anti-depressants for years and years, and I was always still depressed. Recently, I saw a new psychiatrist and she prescribed it to me. It's not perfect, but I've noticed that it really helps!

I posted a bit more information about it at my blog, My Own Worst Enemy , or you can look at it on the company website. They do make a generic version. Unfortunately, my insurance views it as a vitamin/supplement so they don't cover it. Personally, it's been worth the cost.

Wishing you the best.