Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, April 29, 2011

An extra day

I planned to go home today. I was looking forward to lying on the floor snuggling with my dog, breathing in the fresh air, and possibly even running a few steps down the street. But it didn't work out that way. I didn't go home. I'm still in the hospital.

My mood took a big dive yesterday. I wasn't overly concerned at the time. You and I both know healing from this illness is not a linear process. I wish it was. I wish it was more predictable. But it isn't, and my mood dive lasted into today. Even after my fourth ECT treatment today, I didn't feel a boost. When it came time to leave, I was anxious. I was worried. I was scared. I didn't feel ready to go considering the state I was in.

I didn't want to leave the hospital and then figure out I still couldn't function beyond its doors. Coming back here soon after leaving would really feel like a failure, even though I know it shouldn't, and I didn't want that to happen. So after long discussions with my social worker, the hospital social worker, the hospital psychiatrist, and my own psychiatrist, a mutual decision was made. I am staying at least one more night and will see how I feel in the morning.

This is not exactly what I had planned for today. It's not what I wanted. I planned to leave. I wanted to leave, but my gut was screaming, "No!" I'm still sad and low. There's a possibility I'm now feeling I failed by not leaving. And yes, I realize I'm painting myself into a corner; failure if I leave and come back, failure if I don't leave at all. That's a pretty tough position I'm putting myself into, isn't it? Perhaps I need to stop thinking, avoid placing value on each action and feeling, and just accept how I feel. It is what it is. I'm okay right here, right now. I'm safe, and I'm grateful for that. It's not right. It's not wrong. It just is.


Wendy said...

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain, Etta and desperation..I know the struggle of believing that any type of relief much less happiness seems almost impossible when you're in such a dark place. And I agree with you that sometimes when we try to push ourselves out of a feeling/emotion, we stay there longer. Just make sure that you're safe, doing all you can to nurture yourself, (even if that's sleeping, etc..) and keep telling yourself, "this too shall pass..." I know easier said than done.
Sending you blessings.

Maggie Beth said...

Etta ~ I smiled reading your post. Not because u r having a difficult day....but because u "saw it"..... at least for a moment...u finally said it..u painted yourself into a corner...Etta moment by moment is not always a horrible thing sometimes it is best...because u know in your heart NOW is all we have. NOW and in this MOMENT.

Etta ~ Pls. dont judge yourself so harshly about the daily decisions ~ every decision is not right or wrong ~ good or bad ~ a move forward or backwards...the pressure of these extremes no one could endure.

Imagine the person u love the very imagine watching them for 24 hrs...judging every single decision they make...every comment and movement as right or wrong....good or would become tiresome...most of all your loved one would see things differently than u do....they will feel they failed when u definitely saw a WIN.....I hope that makes some sense....I guess a quick and dirty way of saying this would be "Chill Dude. Allow yourself to be human...allow yourself to just BE."........You r doing fine.