Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Hanging in there.

It's the weekend in the hospital. Unfortunately, that means long days of nothing. We still have a few groups today, but the schedule is cut down significantly. And unlike yesterday, when I spent most of the day sleeping, today the sleep will not come. Maybe that's a good thing? I do feel less fatigued, I think.

This morning, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and got on the treadmill after breakfast. My marathon training schedule called for a ten miler today. It's the last long run before Boston. I really wanted to do it, but I really doubted I'd be able to get it done. The treadmill is a bit old and hard. It sits at the end of a hallway facing a window which looks out directly into some trees. And worst of all, my i-pod didn't work! Oh well, I got on the treadmill anyway.

I figured if I could run 5 miles, I'd be thrilled. So that's where I originally set my sights. The first four miles were tough. I occupied my mind by counting my steps up to 100, and then starting over, about a million times! By the time I hit 5 miles, I found a little groove, so I kept going. That groove ended just before 8 miles, but I figured I had run that far, so I didn't want to quit. The last two miles seemed to take forever, but I made it. I ran 10 miles on an old treadmill with no view and no music. I was amazed and pretty damn happy with myself.

I think completing that run helped lighten my mood today. I'm bored now, but I do feel a little better. It's a relief being in a safe place, too. Don't get me wrong, I want to go home. I want to run outside, go back to work, and watch TV with my dog. But maybe that feeling of relief means I'm exactly where I need to be.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your comments. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. Your comments buoy me. I'm amazed to feel so much love from people I've never met. You guys, my readers, are the best. Thank you.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for continuing this blog whilst in a -not-so-great- state. I hope you are starting to feel a little better about yourself and the world. I wish you the best of luck. My thougths are with you.

TSB said...

Your courage is remarkable. It inspires.

I wish you speedy recovery and a personal best in Boston!

AmbyLand said...

Good for you! I am happy you were able to run 10 miles.
Of course you are right where you should be.
I am glad you are safe

Kelly said...

A treadmill, too? I'm starting to think that I got the short end of the psych-hospital stick. ;)

What determination you have. With everything. You are obviously not willing to let the depression wash over you and then take you away as it pulls back. Stand strong, even when the sand starts to sink underneath you, stand strong. You are bigger than depression it will not wash you away.

Michele said...

Wow...a treadmill in a psych ward. That is pure luxury. Also being allowed an iPod. They don't allow us any electronics on our ward. I am glad you are able to do that exercise in a safe environment. I hope you continue to feel better day by day. You are a strong woman and a real inspiration.

Therese said...

Hang Tough, Etta. Thinking about you, and praying for you! Therese

etta said...

Yes, I guess I am fortunate. This psych ward treats people like they have legitimate illnesses--not like they're prisoners who've committed a crime--the crime of having mental illness. Thankfully, there are places like this on the planet. Of course, they should all be like this! I am receiving good care.