Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

How I really feel...

I'm scared.
I'm scared this is not going to end.
I'm scared I'm going to burn people out and lose them.
I'm scared I'm going to be alone with an illness which will slowly wear me down and eventually out.
I'm sad and scared. I'm no longer confident I can get through this.


TDR said...

Hi Etta,
You can get through it. You can make it down this long road, this hard marathon. People are tough and resilient, and I think you are tougher than most. You've been through the ringer again and again, and you're still here. You're taking a needed time out, but you have people on your side, both your friends in the real world, and your readers online. You're a fighter, though you might not feel like it now.

Take your time. Rest, recover, let this time out be as long as it has to be. There is no right or wrong time, there is just the time that is right for you. Take it one hour, one day at a time. Just like running, pace yourself, pay attention to how you are feeling. You'll get through this.

Kelly said...

It isn't a good feeling, but I think it is a common feeling. I get scared, too. You don't have to do it alone. Talk it out.

Alyssa Vaisey said...


Embrace that feeling. Feeling scared is better than feeling numb and not caring. If you're scared, that means that you want to get better. When I was in the hospital a month ago, I didn't feel any of that. I didn't care. I just wanted to drift into sleep and not wake up.

Keep hanging in there, hon. It can be overwhelming to look far into the future and wonder what it will be like. Try to take it one day at a time.

Bobbie said...

I know the feeling. It hurts to go through it but you're starting to create an identity around this depression. I hope a friend or relative reaches out to you or you continue to reach out to them. They can help you see your not alone.
Etta I truly feel for you, it's a disease that distorts you're perception. I know you're in pain, but realize you can get better. I love to run also, I feel free when I do. Go running, really enjoy it! That little moment of joy can get you through the day and carry you until you're feeling better. I'm with you in spirit.

Gail said...

Oh Etta, I wish we could reach through cyberspace to give you one huge bear hug. You are disconnecting and you need to come back. You will not burn your friends out and they will not leave you. You will get through this. Your history is the proof. Depression has you in its grip and it will spit you out in time like it has with every other session you have struggled through. There is no scarier place!

You are scared.
You are scared this is not going to end.
You will not burn people out and lose them.
You will not be alone with your illness and although it will wear you down it will not wear you out.
You are sad and scared.

Borderline Lil said...

Just wanted you to know I'm reading, listening, caring. I agree with the previous commenters - you can and will survive this, you're strong and have resources. Take care of yourself sweetie xx

Adam said...

I think all of us with depression feel that way at some point. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to make it through the tunnel.

Divas said...

Hang in there, woman.
Today might suck, but tomorrow is on its way!

Linda said...

Hello Etta,
I know how you feel. I feel the same way. I am scared too. Most of the time I am not sure I want to live like this, but then there are people that call me every day to see how I am and make sure I am OK. For them, I hang on. I don't want them to feel guilty of me not being in this world anymore.
I have 2 cats, who are like my children, since I have none, and they depend on me too. They count on me. Think of you canine companion. He needs you. So do we. We are all in here together, supporting eachother.
Although I feel scared too, I will still be here for you!

Michele said...

Keep fighting Etta. You will never burn us out and we will always be here to lift you up. You possess remarkable strength and I know you can get through these scary times.

Cadan Henry said...

i get through the pain to see if i can.


Feminist Voice with Disabilities said...

I know you're having a really rought time right now. I understand what this is like, and I've been there before. What I can tell you, and what I know that you know, is that it gets better.

Depression lifts eventually. Brighter days exist ahead. You just have to keep on trucking through this ugly muck you're in, and you will eventually reach the place where the sun shines again, rainbows color the sky, motivation returns, feeling calm returns, and the thoughts of wanting to die and not being able to handle life leave your mind.

You can get through this, and you are obviously not alone. You've got friends who care, and readers who care, and are here to listen. So keep writing, and tell how you really feel. If it helps to let it out, then by all means, let it out.

TSB said...

Lil put it best of all. Lots of us are reading. Listening. and Caring.

Unknown said...

Depression really is a marathon as well as a roller coaster with its ups and downs that can really take a toll on oneself.

I really like the perspective you're putting out there and look forward to more.


Anonymous said...

You are never alone. You're always with you best-friend, yourself. It's OK to be depressed. I suffer from it too. That's life, but you don't need to make it an identity. Love yourself for who you are, accept yourself, and realize that you are always with the person that loves you the most in this world. Yourself. All you have to do is accept that love.
Namaste, May all beings be at peace.