Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I don't get it either

I don't get it. Yesterday I could barely move again. It wasn't the soreness from the marathon. It was depression rearing its ugly, nasty, punitive head again. I was in tears from the time I woke up until just minutes before I approached my first patient 2 hours later. I was totally overwhelmed. I didn't think I could do anything, and yet there I was with a whole day of patients waiting for me. Later in the day, I was curled up on my sofa paralyzed. I couldn't move, and I couldn't believe it. It didn't make any sense.

I couldn't understand how I could have run 26.2 miles just two days before. I couldn't understand how I could have done that, and yet there I was in tears, paralyzed on my sofa. Was I just being lazy? Was I a total loser, unable to face real life? That's certainly how I felt. I also felt guilty. I felt ashamed. I felt demoralized. I felt afraid. I couldn't understand how the darkness had so quickly cloaked me in lead again. I don't understand.

Today is not starting any better. I'm low. I'm low again. I'm overwhelmed. I'm afraid of returning to work and being unable to handle it. I'm afraid of losing my job if I can't work. I feel like I need to take some time off, to get well, but I can't afford to do that either. Literally. With no benefits, who will pay my bills if I'm not at work? Nobody. I'm on my own.

I want the overwhelming, scary, debilitating darkness to go away. I want it to go away now. I don't know how much more I can endure. I'm afraid of the darkness now. I'm afraid I can't handle it anymore. I don't know how much fight I have left.

And none of this makes any sense... I hate this illness. Hate it.


Kelly said...

My therapist told me that there is no such thing as being lazy. That lazy is an ugly word thought up by people who have depression to torture ourselves. Or something along those lines.

Keep going, Etta, you can do it. This is a marathon, remember?

Kinza said...

Dear Etta,
when I was at my lowest, I got really upset by people giving me advice and opinion. I knew they meant well, but all that was completely of no use to me, and I was just losing energy to explain why I will not follow the advice given, and defend my opinion. Not sure how you deal with these situation.
Hating your disease is not helpful. Allow yourself to be completely down, not functioning, being paralyzed - but try to pull it out when you really have to - and it seems you do have to work. And it seems you know how to pull things out when necessary. Good luck, and be kind to yourself.

AmbyLand said...

I am so sorry. Depression sucks the big one. Its not fair.

Alyssa Vaisey said...

I'm sorry you're on such a roller coaster these last few days, going from high to low in such a short amount of time.

I wonder, just from what I've read in the past few weeks, if incorporating a morning run into your routine would help. It seems like those endorphins helped for the marathon. Maybe take that good feeling and start your day with it?

*virtual hugs* Hang in there!

Adam said...

I hope you get feeling better. Depression is no fun at all.

Anonymous said...

hang in there. i don't know how. i wish i had something wonderful and magical that i could tell you that would help you.
think of that poster that has that kitten that is hanging on to the branch. and it says "hang in there". lol. cheesey. i know. but maybe it made you smile a little bit right now. :) alex

Anonymous said...

Just remember one day you'll have a good day and it will feel like you can leave those other bad days behind. I had a good day today and I suffer from severe depression as well, there is hope, I know it may not feel like it right now. Just hang in there and take one day at a time. Don't start looking at the number of 'bad days' as opposed to 'good days' you have because just a little something can come and change your bad day into a good one and you'll forget you were having a bad day to begin with. talk to a friend about whatever you feel like, exercise in the morning or the afternoon, or sleep it off. Give yourself a little something to look forward to in the day to zap your tiredness away. Hope that helps :)