Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, April 7, 2011


After another rough night last night, my social worker and therapist suggested that I go into the hospital today. I checked in with my friend, Cindy, too, and she agreed. It appeared it was unanimous. Everyone I trusted suggested the same resolution--hospitalization. I guess it was somewhat of a relief to have the decision taken out of my hands, and so I agreed. After a 3 hour wait in the emergency department, my admission was finally cleared. I've been on the inpatient psych unit since shortly before dinner time.

But before I made my way here, I had to call two different bosses to break the news. I feel so guilty about missing work. We are so busy, there is no way for the other therapist to cover my patients, which means loss of income for my company; not to mention loss of necessary treatments for my patients. And never mind the horrid stigma that still exists regarding residing here. I hated having to tell my current boss what was going on. She was kind and fair and said all the right things. But you just never know. You know what I mean? Nevertheless, I needed to make those calls. I needed to make my way here. Probably, this is at least one week overdue. So here I am, inpatient psych. Damn.

It's been more than 4 years since I've been here. And I was fairly proud of that fact, that stability. I've had plenty of dips along the way, but nothing came close to landing me back here. Until today. I'm trying to let it be okay. I'm trying to allow myself the room to just be, to be helped and supported and learn. Maybe it's working. I've already shed some tears, and as you know from previous posts, that's not been possible throughout this episode. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe I'm safe enough here to just let go. Maybe, but who knows? Besides, my tears tonight were more likely the result of missing Puck, missing Bill and Cindy, and just wanting to go home. But I'm not going home. I'm staying here. I want to get well, and I want to get well quick. And once I do, it will hopefully be at least another four years before I'll ever need to come back.

Right now, I could use your prayers. Pray for healing. Pray for energy to fight the demons of this terrible illness. And pray, please, for my willingness to continue on regardless of my current willfulness to stop. I am safe, and perhaps safety is what I need to get over the hump. Thank you for joining me on this long journey. I'll keep you up to date as best I can.


Kelly said...

My prayers are going out to you. I have an idea how you are feeling as I barely avoided going inpatient this week because my doctor decided to work with me and had me just come in the next day so she could check on me. I had the same thoughts...that I have been out since 2001 and I don't want to go back. But it is very brave and good and responsible and healthy of you to go and get the intensive care you need so that you can

My prayers are with you. Get well, Etta.

(internet access inpatient now days? really?)

Meagan said...

Good luck, I wish you well.

Michele said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes hospitalizations are needed. I am glad you are safe.

Kelly said...

I know how you feel regarding work, but just focus on yourself right now. It's so important to take this time out and it's perfectly okay to do that, the same way anyone else who was sick would take time off.

I wish you the best of luck! You can absolutely get through this.

Kindred Spirit said...

My heart is with you.
May this stay be life altering and the last. <3

Katie said...

I'm praying for you! Your blog has helped me so much with dealing with depression. I feel like i'm not the only one going through this and i wanted you to know that i am grateful that you take your time to write here.
Its for the best that you are Inpatient, because its really the safest way out of everything. I'm wishing you luck :)

Antoni :) said...


My prayers are with you too. God Bless you.

Anonymous said...

thinking of you

viclops said...

Dear Etta,

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much for sharing your journey, the good the bad and the ugly. There is comfort in community, and you have created a wonderful one through your blogging. You have helped me to feel less alone in my own struggle, I hope that I can help you feel supported in yours. Sending you much love and healing energy.

Anonymous said...

Hello Etta,

My prayers are with you. That fact that your writing is so sane, and yet, you are in the psych ward is something that I can relate to. Some people wonder how I can be so functional, yet be on the brink of ending up in an institution. The stigma of this illness has got to end. I am in need of seeing a psychologist regularly, but there is no insurance that will cover the $150 a session that would help me cope with life. Only if I end up in a hospital will anything be done. And by that time, it's too little too late.
Hang on there. Don't worry about your employers. You need to take care of yourself.

Frankie said...

Etta, I hope the day will come when mental illness has lost it's stigma and people learn to deal with their own fears about it. I am sending you much positive energy and thoughts. You know that you made the right decision for you and it is more than ok. You are a courageous woman to share your experiences with all of us. You have helped me as well to not feel so alone with this illness. Bless you!

Maggie Beth said...

Sweet Etta! With tears in my eyes and a heavy heart....I say, "I am so sorry."

That is probabaly not what you want to hear ~ but even though you are "merely" the writer of a blog I read on the internet I've taken you into my heart. I lived the boss 'phone call' live and in person - did not go well. HR was there to 'help' they merely made it worse!

My prayers and My God are with you Etta ~ do not doubt that for a moment. Yes, you are safe ~ in more ways than you realize. Simply rest and heal Etta. ((HUGE HUGS))

etta said...

Oh, Maggie Beth! I'm so glad to hear from you! I was wondering if YOU were okay? Thanks for your kind words, as usual.

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, and encouraging words. You all inspire me to soldier onward. Thank you.

AdmGln said...

Good luck. You will make it. You seem to be a strong person, from all the posts I've read...