Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Not so swimmingly

I've been home for 24 hours, and I wish I could say everything was cruising along without a hitch, but I can't. The truth is I've been struggling. Within a few hours of getting home last night, I was struggling. Anxious, down, hopeless... I couldn't believe it. The feelings were intense, and the screwed-up thinking soon chimed in. I had to call on several people for support. I was so disappointed and deflated by how I was feeling. I knew I wasn't one hundred percent better when I left the hospital, but I wasn't expecting to feel so bad so soon. Like I said, I was incredibly disappointed.

The disillusionment continued today. I had a long list of things to do in order to get ready for Boston. One by one, I crossed them off, but I struggled with my mood throughout. Using some of the techniques I learned in the hospital, I kept putting one foot in front of the other. During a phone call with my psychologist, she commended me for moving forward despite how I was feeling. Yes, I moved. But why, I wondered, did the path have to be so cluttered with crap?!

I'd like to say everything is great. I'd like to report I've handled my struggles perfectly. I can't, and I won't. I'm frustrated with the intensity of my emotions. I'm discouraged by my thoughts. I'm worried about continuing to handle the crap this illness dumps on me.

But I'm moving forward one step at a time. As difficult as this is. As frustrating and useless as it feels. I've got to go on. I'm afraid, again, of being worn down by the demon depression, but I'm trying not to think about that. After all, I'm having enough trouble just dealing with today. But I will. I will.

6 comments:

Maggie Beth said...

((((YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUBLISH THIS))))

Hello my Friend!

Ms. Etta, I am gonna say this - but know - I am not a "sports minded" person or a person who has ever been "coached" in a sport...I would be one of the first voted off the island!!

HOWEVER!!! I have to say I am concerned that you are pushing your MENTAL and EMOTIONAL health/healing the way you push your PHYSICAL body. I may be wrong but think about it....there has to be a middle ground....It takes FAR more courage to say -- I can't do this - I need to "stop" for a moment ~ regroup and come back stronger. Than it does to continue moving in a way that is not best....please lean on your support system and go with your gut. AND Etta if your GUT (heart) says "I need a timeout." Take it...

Etta please don't LITERALLY drive yourself crazy or kill yourself simply to fulfill a goal you created for yourself. I know this is the totally OPPOSITE of what most people probably tell you. But sometimes it hurts me to hear how harshly you chastise yourself. I have to believe that what you really tell yourself is far worse than anything you would write for the world to see....

Please let up on yourself......

I realize what I see is one dimentional -- but Etta what I see
is a POWERFULLY strong woman. With much love and compassion for others. EVEN at your recent lowest point your writings were articulate and smart. Your thoughts flowed in a logical, sane, healthy manner.

I remember several months back you debated ending this blog ~ I hope you now understand why God (YES GOD) encouraged you to continue. He knew you would need this blog and your readers.... Etta release the self-inposed (SP)pressure...and allow yourself to simply "float" in a lake of peace for a moment....And Etta ~ in those dark moments remember the scripture ~ "What can seperate me from the love of God?"...neighter height nor depth, nor angels or demons, etc...can seperate me from the love of God...that is not a direct qoute. I wish I knew it by heart but I don't....but God knows my heart...and in my heart is only empathy and pride for you Etta. Oh how I wish you could see what I see....even if it is only one dimensional.....

Take Care and treat yourself with love and kindness ~ you may not believe this ~ but you DO deserve it! ~ MAGGIE BETH

AmbyLand said...

I am so sorry. But I am glad you have friends you can count on.

Ann Hale said...

Etta,

I know you've been looking forward to Boston, and if in your heart, that's what you want to do, do it! They do say that the endorphines from exercise help depression. But, don't push yourself too hard.

When I got out of the hospital recently, someone told me something that really stuck with me. If you had just been released from the hospital after surgery, nobody would expect you to be jumping right back into life at 100%. Your body needs to heal, and that takes time. The same is true when we get out of the hospital for mental illness related things.

I think you're doing great.
1. You got this posting up.
2. You're getting ready for Boston.
3. You've been on the phone with your friends and psychologist, getting help.

If you keep looking down at your feet as you plod along, you're going to run into something. Look up, look ahead, and try to not anticipate that things will go wrong. Maybe THIS time is the time that you'll succeed!

Cadan Henry said...

excellent post. many of us feel the way you describe everyday. sometimes i'm not so sure its just not part of the human condition. i believe too pushing on is the only solution. no matter how hard it is putting on socks, hitting the door and starting the car is the best medicine, i start to feel better very quickly. the next adventure gives me hope.

i live throught the pain to see if i can.

Adam Glenn said...

Just like the marathon, keep putting one foot in front of the other. You'll make it.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad that you went to Boston. And i'm glad that you ran the marathon. (I already commented on that.)
I knew things wouldn't be great when i left the hospital either. and they weren't. and they aren't. not much has changed. the hardest thing for me i guess is, i was alone when i went in, i was alone when i was there but not really cause there's people around, and i'm alone when i came out. and it's not that easy to not be alone.

i hope you continue to move one step forward at a time as difficult as it seems or as frustrating or as useless as it feels. keep going. Alex



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