Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

This post has no title

I'm not sure where to start or when to end. This post has no title because that's how I feel, title-less. There is nothing significant happening nor not happening. Life, right now, is just a series of events. And I guess I'm taking them as they come, one at a time, but feeling little connection to nor passion for any of it. It's another side of depression, which highlights it is not yet gone.

  • I'm back home, sleeping in my own bed, but I'm still spending many hours per day at my friends' home. I'm not totally okay in my own skin yet.
  • My mood is periodically fine, sometimes good, and often crummy. My thinking is occasionally fine, sometimes good, and often crappy. There seems no rhyme nor reason to it, although it does seem better when I'm busy.
  • I'm running--15 miles yesterday--and preparing for Boston, which is now only 15 days away. Am I excited? I should be. I'm neutral. I'm not looking forward to it, nor am I worried about or dreading it. It just is. It just will be, at this point in time, another day, another run, another marathon. And of course, I understand somewhere in my head that none of that is accurate. It should mean more than all of that. But right now, it doesn't.
  • I finished my taxes, which is a big accomplishment, as they were hanging over my head. I guess I might have felt a little relief when I hit the send button, but that's about it.
  • I'm doing laundry, another chore that's been waiting for me. Praying, I am, for the energy to finish what I've started. The dishes are done, but the vacuuming will have to wait. Soon, I'll need a nap.
  • Today's bike workout is waiting as well. I need to get it done, as I missed one workout already this week. Working those 10-12 hour days last week was not conducive to exercising. Today's mood is not conducive to getting on the bike, either. I'll have to force myself to do it. Maybe after my nap...
  • Speaking of work, I've got a very busy schedule again this week. I guess my prayers for energy will be repeated multiple times in the upcoming days.
That's it. Title-less. Emotion-less. A series of loosely connected events. Life. It just is. This, too, is depression.


Paul Rhodes said...

is this depression? sounds pretty normal to me.....

Gail said...

I am glad to hear that Boston is still in your plans. Although you are traveling into the experience in neutral it is an experience you have earned the right to participate in. I think participating despite your lack of motivation will be less damaging to your 'heart' than missing the experience only to pull through this temporary place of darkness to realize you missed what will be a very important event in your life journey. You inspire me when you are up and you inspire me when you are down. You inspire me Etta! And, I hope you are proud of yourself for inspiring others.

etta said...

Oh, Paul, I hope your "normal" is not an emotion-less series of loosely connected events. The key word being emotion-less.

And thank you, Gail, for your wonderful words! I won't miss Boston!

gottatryit said...

I just stumbled upon your blog. It's a great reminder to those of us not currently suffering with depression how small our highs and lows actually are. I hope Boston goes well. Check out my blog:

Feminist Voice with Disabilities said...

I'm familiar with that blah, neither here nor there, neither high nor low feeling. It is depression, and it is annoying! I'm sorry you are going through that right now, but it's really great that you still have the motivation to run a marathon, and that you are taking care of yourself by staying with friends to avoid going to the hospital. I think hospitals are not always that helpful and perhaps your friends can provide you with the support you need. I hope you feel better soon.

Kelly said...

I've been feeling this for months, so you're not the only one. It's awful to feel so disconnected to anything, where nothing seems to particularly matter. For me it makes getting schoolwork done since I know theoretically it's important and I want to do it, but I just...don't care enough to prioritize it. I just float along doing the basic things - eat, sleep, go to class, then zone out until I can fall asleep again.

From your last post, it sounds like some awesome things happened. As someone who is (theoretically, not actively of course) looking for a job, getting offered not one but two is a huge accomplishment. Congratulations! Also, living with friends is honestly a great idea. I think I would be much worse off if I didn't live with a roommate. It helps to have someone else around doing those everyday things.

Well, here's hoping you can get through this period. I find a lot of times I can get through this placidness once the weather starts to improve. My depression seems very much tied to the seasons.

Kevin said...

Well done-keep up the hard work-running and also battling this horrible horrible disease/illness-im trying to get back running as I too get very low periods/depressed and seems like I'm never happy.The struggle i go to just to be happy for a small period of time when others seem like they are laughing and smiling all the time!!I was thinking of setting up a blog too!Last tiem i was running regularly it definitely helped!Does it help you??It seems like you do a hell of a lot!I did a marathon in 2009-but felt my mood was better when i was running on the beach for a half hour daily!but there was a long holiday in the marathon training and quite a lot of alcohol around those times which really is a mood killer!and no paul this is not Normal!!