Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

15 miles

It's been a long couple of days around here. Lots of reminiscing and grieving going on. Paul's wake was Thursday night and his funeral yesterday. Running has been far from my mind. I haven't had the energy, which is why it was really important for me to get out on the road this morning. After hitting the snooze button for an hour, I finally got out of bed and made it to our track club's group long run. My legs, I don't think, are fully recovered yet from last week's marathon. I ended up running alone most of the way this morning, but it was still helpful to run with the group. Despite my tired legs, I made it 13 miles. A bunch of us went out for breakfast, and then I ran two more miles with Puck once I got home. 15 miles total. I'm pretty happy with that. It wasn't easy.

It's nice being out with the group again. I still have to push myself to go to things like meals after funerals or breakfast with a crowd, but I'm doing those things despite my isolation tendencies. I know, in my brain, isolation isn't good for me, but it is so damn much easier! I'm hoping pushing myself will eventually make being more social easier. But I'm dubious.

I'm getting used to being back in the world again. Being social, going to group events, running...all of these things make me realize, again, how much depression takes me out of my world. I feel like I've been gone for months, and in a way, I guess I have. It's weird. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed with simple daily life. I'm waiting for the moment when I no longer feel like a stranger in a strange land. It's a process, I guess. And I'm grateful to be moving through the process rather then being stuck in the muck. The muck sucks.


A. Paige Turner said...

Sounds like you are doing well. Do what you can and forgive yourself when there are things you aren't ready for........

And YAY Puck getting to go run! I know he loved it!!

Maggie Beth!

Anonymous said...

A stranger from the other side of the world reads your words and thinks you are amazing.

I've suffered through my own dark days for many years, I am constantly trying to fight it off, constantly working at pushing it back. Im only 30 but im scared im going to keep battling for the rest of my life and one day it will get too much.

Anyway my point of my message is, i look at your blog pretty much every week and go waoh... this lady is fucking amazing. Look at the stuff she is doing.

TO me your blog isnt a 'poor me' thing, you seem so tough and your words just seem like fighting words, beating it back which is something I relate to.

SO anyway for this moment in time when you read this, realise that a person is sitting in her room, on the other side of the world on a Monday night and just wanted to connect and to hope that you realise how glad she is to read your blog. And who feels inspired by you.

Anon, Melbourne, Australia

etta said...

Wow, Melbourne!
Thank you! It helps me to know I've made a connection to you. Thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate it. You inspire me to continue!

Team R.E.D. said...

Hey there! I'm one who sees you when you join the group.. and we enjoy seeing you!

Keep on rolling...