Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

ECT Number Nine

I had my ninth ECT treatment this morning. It went fine, but I've been really wiped out since then. I spent a lot of the day sleeping and lounging. For whatever reason, this treatment seems to have really sapped my energy.

I saw my inpatient/ECT psychiatrist (different than my usual psychiatrist) this morning before treatment. We discussed doing an entire course of treatments, which means 10-12 total. I'm taking this Friday off, so I'll likely be done with treatments next week or early the following week. I'm feeling better, and I'm encouraged by that. But I can't wait to be done with ECT because I am not allowed to drive for the entire course of treatment. Asking for and arranging rides everywhere is really tough for me.

Living in two houses--at my friends most of the time and occasionally at my own house--is also quickly getting old. I love my friends. I love their home and appreciate their generosity, but I just want to get back to my life. This illness steals so much, big stuff (like my soul) and little stuff (like my daily routine). I want to go back to where I was in early February before this episode began. I want my life back.

I want my life back, yet I'm terrified of taking it back too soon. I don't want to fail. I want to get my life back and keep it. So I'm worried about returning home while simultaneously craving time alone in my house. Returning to work frightens me, yet I miss my patients and the structure my job provides. I want to run errands and be responsible for myself again, although I feel slightly overwhelmed by the prospect. Eventually, I need to take back what depression stole from me. It's knowing the correct timing which may be tricky.

Hopefully, the time for action will become clear as I move back into my life. The good news is I'm at a point where I can even consider such action. The ECT has helped. I am feeling better. And that, I think, is the best news of all.


Jamie said...

I would want my place back too, but that is great that you have such wonderful friends. Take care!

Maggie Beth said...

You are still in will all come...or should I say return....It will return....In the meantime embrace the fact you actually have people who love you and care about you enough to have you live in their home while you will return.. embrace this 'healing time' a little more rather than itching to return to the "world"...(WINK!)

BTW ~ You still have your soul or you would not have hope....and I definitely "hear" hope!