Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Extra days

You know what they say about the best laid plans... I had planned to go home yesterday. I was packed and ready. Then the doctor came in. She didn't like how sad I had been. She was concerned about my thinking. She didn't see the need to rush out the door. She didn't let me leave. Instead, I am here until at least Monday, when I will have my fifth ECT treatment. I say "at least" because I don't know if I'll be allowed to go tomorrow either. My mood has really been in the tank since Thursday, and that seems to be of great concern. I guess that makes sense.

Despite it making sense, I'm not happy to still be here. My low mood is greatly concerning to me, too, but I still want to go home. Fortunately, the MD gave me a pass yesterday to go for a 45 minute run outside with a friend. Passes are rarely allowed these days, so I felt very fortunate to be outdoors, freely running, breathing fresh air, and sharing time with my friend. I can't wait to get out of here and do it again!

I hope to get out of here tomorrow. I'm not sure what else I can accomplish here that I couldn't accomplish as an outpatient. Yes, as I was sobbing myself to sleep last night, it was nice to have someone sit with me. But I can sob myself to sleep without a sitter as well. If I have to sob myself to sleep, I'd rather do it in a comfortable bed.

Like I said, I am sad. Just plain sad. I wonder when this episode will end. I worry this episode will have no end. I am trying to stay positive; trying to stay present, but it's tough keeping those negative thoughts at bay. I pray for a boost in my mood soon. As more and more time passes, I feel more and more disappointed and discouraged. I want to be better. I want to get back to my life. I want to feel like me again. I don't want to feel so sad. I don't want to feel so sad...


Glass Slippers Break said...

For evrything there is a season... I am so sorry this time of darkness is lasting longer than u anticipated...u r not far from thought...(HUGS) Maggie

Wendy said...

It sounds like you have a very caring and intelligent Dr. which I'm glad for. Sometimes, we need to let the proverbial ripples in the water come to a place of stillness, before we know how to move..And I totally how hard that is to do with a chemical imbalance. What I like to do when I'm in a really dark place is to read old journal/blog entries where I was in the same hopeless and despairing situation to see how I coped and then to know that eventually happiness didn't come in huge waves, but small increments...but they always do come. Sending you lots of light and blessings.

I just finished listening to the song "Belly of the Whale" by Burning Sensations. Always a great song to listen to when I feel completely in the dark. Check it out, on Youtube or an online radio station if you haven't heard it yet.

Anonymous said...

I just started a course on how to be happy. you can find it here at:
So far I smiled more and made a list of what I am happy for and it made me happier as long as I did it and even afterward. I suggest you try it.

Anonymous said...


I have been following your blog for a few months now and can really relate to you. I am a recovering alcoholic with 6 years of sobriety, I have run 12 marathons including Boston.....and I have had Depression for the past 10 years....and severe depression this past year. I have had 10 ECT treatments last spring with minimal relief, been on every med on and off label, and even been treated at Mayo....I am very treatment resistant and I am struggling badly right now, but it really helps to read your blog because I feel your pain and understand. Hang in there....this too shall pass :)

Lynn said...

Again, I am so grateful that you're willing to share your experience with depression. And again, that feels like such a selfish reaction, knowing the difficult, dark time you're going through. I hope you know how helpful it is to others with depression to go through it with someone else, even virtually. Your generosity--in making the effort to write about your experience--and your honesty are blessings for all of us. I wish better times soon for you. Thank you! Lynn