Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, June 23, 2011


My first day of work has come and gone, and I am scared to go back! Oh my God! I was so overwhelmed yesterday I had to hold back tears more than once. There was tons of new information being thrown at me from multiple directions, and I couldn't keep track of it all.

I couldn't seem to take it in the instructions. Instead, I felt like the information was bouncing off of me. Picture words flying through the air, pinging off my head, and falling to the floor at my feet. That's what seemed to be happening. I wanted to bend over, scoop up the words, and run home. There I could sort them out and study them in silence. Unfortunately, that wasn't possible. Besides, by the time I made it home, all I could do was sleep.

Throughout the day I reminded myself to relax. I tried to stay calm, and I think I did. I think I kept the turmoil successfully hidden inside. But I was so uncomfortable and so worried. There's so much to learn...

I have to go back tomorrow, but I don't want to. I'm worried I won't be able to handle it. I'm worried it won't be any easier. I'm just worried.

And I know it will get easier. And I know I can probably handle it. And I know I'll likely get comfortable eventually. I just wish it didn't feel so damn overwhelming in the meantime.


Borderline Lil said...

There's a lot to take in with a new job, you'll do fine Etta. Just try and deep breathe and relax. Hugs xx

Maggie Beth said...

And the 'tomorrow' you referenced in this post has now come and gone...I hope all went well....take it as it comes......

Doug said...

Bless you. Sending you calming thoughts