Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Not the full truth

I guess I lied to you when I said I was okay. Here you were, sitting on my sofa, asking just that very question, and I lied. I don't know why. Perhaps because I'm trying to ignore the descent. I'm trying to shut out the darkness that's already made its way in. I lied because I don't want it to be so, but it is.

It makes sense, this descent. Healing has left me to spend much time alone. I'm not able to move my body in the ways of which I am accustomed. And the outcome of this injury-surgery-healing process is still largely unknown. The darkness outside is descending, too, as each day dwindles and less light is produced. It's a perfect storm of circumstance. Descent into my own darkness makes perfect sense.

The problem is I seem perfectly content to let it be so. To be left alone, that is my wish. Maybe that is why I lied. Perhaps I'm not so much ignoring the descent as I am going with it. There seems no fight in me right now. I know it's coming. Hell, it's already here, and I don't seem to care. I can't explain why that is so, but it is. I guess I lied to you when I said I was okay. I'm not, and yet I am.


Kelly said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. What an awful place to be in. My thoughts and prayers are with you, for whatever it's worth.

Anonymous said...

Hm. Thinking of you, Etta.

Mohican said...

As you wrote, it does make sense. The point of fighting depression is not to be a happy chucklehead all the time. You have every reason to be feeling down just like most people would in a similar situation. So far, you *are* doing okay. The challenge is not to let it get you too rattled; this is all old territory for you.

HBF said...

Recognizing the hole in the ground is the first step to avoiding it! *sending you support and best wishes*