Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

No good

I'm so tired of writing this. Things aren't good. My mood, which rebounded for my visit with D over the weekend, tanked again by Monday evening. Things have only worsened from there. Tuesday, a longer day than I thought possible, left me in tears. Wednesday's long, busy day at work temporarily distracted and then exhausted me. And this morning, I've awoken heavy and sad. Mornings are usually my best time. Feeling like this so early in the day is quite foreboding. I don't know what to do. I can barely move.

I'm so tired of writing this shit! The rollercoaster of good, bad, good, bad makes me nuts. I never know what to expect. It's disheartening, exhausting, and soul crushing every time I fall. And it's not just a fall, it's a free fall--so fast. It doesn't make any sense. It is, I guess, my illness at this moment rearing its ugly head.

I'm so tired of writing this that I'm going to stop writing now. In a few days, if the rollercoaster continues to race, I may be telling you how wonderful I feel. Stay with my on the ride, my friends.


Sharon Pernes said...

Do you do any type of therapy? A good therapist will teach you how to talk back to these negative feelings. If you have tried it in the past don't give up...find a therapist that specializes in cognitive behaviorial therapy.

Also get the book The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns. It's an amazing book that helps with these type of things.

You need to realize that these ups and downs are apart of your life at the moment, the best thing to do is to learn to handle these darker moments.

etta said...

Yes, I have a wonderful CBT therapist. Sometimes it's harder than others for me to use the skills. But thanks for the reminder. I know this is temporary--obviously--and it will pass.

"Lil Ol' Me" said...

I can only offer love and hugs. Ive been there
Currently living it. I continue to write even though negative or choppy or both. Because in the end it helps me be able to look back and see the ups and downs.
You inspire me more than you could ever know!

Bradley said...

I often feel the same way in the morning. Depression has just as powerful physical effects as it does emotional and mental effects. I struggle with Depression everyday so I decided to create a website dedicated to helping those who are dealing with the same or similar conditions. It focuses on coping with life's hardships through artistic expression, hopefully inspiring others to do the same. If you are interested, the titles of some of my first blog entries are "A Brief Introduction", "Coping Mechanisms", "Vivid Dreams" and "Urging Occupiers to Oppose the Oncoming Opposition". Also here is the link to the website:

Thanks again for your time and continue to stay strong. I will be checking in for future posts

Blackdays said...

I'm going for hypnotherapy tomorrow to try ad release my demons. I'll try anything now, like you I'm sick of it returning. X