Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

A realization

I realized something this morning. I put a lot of pressure on myself. Regarding this blog, I've been feeling bad about feeling bad. I feel like I've established this positive vibe regarding my blog/my story, and I need to keep that up for all of you. Yet in the past, when I've felt good, I've felt bad about feeling too good, afraid that I'd alienate some of you. Isn't that something? I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. And the damnation is all thanks to my own thoughts!

I'm not sure why I place this pressure on myself. It's one of the unhealthy things I do, I guess. Perhaps I'm trying to please everyone. I know that's impossible, yet here I am trying to accomplish it. I'm going to make an effort to stop worrying about how you will perceive what I write. What I write is authentic, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't smooth out the rough edges. That's silly. I feel what I feel. It is what it is. Worrying about whether I'm doing too well or not well enough is not helpful. I'm going to have to remove that pressure.

Right now, I'm in a dip. A dip is one of the many annoying aspects of this illness. It comes and goes. My psychologist reminded me, "You've been here before. You know it will pass." I know it will pass, and it still feels like shit to be in the middle of it! That's where I'm at.

Depression sucks. It fills me with worry and foreboding. My brain feels not my own. My thoughts are dark and brooding. My energy is low. Yet I am going to keep moving forward. Not because I am some kind of hero, but because I am a veteran of depression. My experience reminds me, forward is the only direction which may provide relief. On this day, I will relax and move forward. Rather than worry, I just need to do.

5 comments:

HBF said...

I can't speak for every other reader, but for me-I like to hear the ups and the downs. Those of us who suffer from our own depression understand the ups and downs and we take encouragement from your happiness and sympathize with your struggles. Either way you provide us with support and community that helps all of us where ever we may be on our journey.

First and foremost this blog is for you :o) You don't have to save face here!

Thank you for your posts-no matter where you are in your recovery :o)

Take care and thanks!

TC said...

Etta,

I understand where you are coming from. Our illness is the ultimate moving target. The ebbs and flows of our emotional state is a bit maddening at times. Like you, I started a public journal/blog, but mine is new. I write for me first. For some reason, I have smoothed out the rough edges too. Your blog is something I read regularly and I am thankful for you sharing yourself. Personally, as a depressed person, I am OK with the rougher edges. This blog is your life's photograph. It is a beautiful contrast of light and dark.

Therapist Finder said...

I understand your felling and problem when we feel Depress.When We go for any Counseling Service at time of Depression that time also We feel little less but we feel good after Counseling.thanks I learn a lot from your blog.

Anonymous said...

As per HBF the blogs for you. Good or bad no ones here to judge just here for support :-)
Best wishes Spanner.

Anonymous said...

You all may not agree, but I believe that life is a tragic comedy for those with depression, or at least my life is. Give him hope to make him happy, and then take it all away just so you can laugh at the resulting face twisted with pain. Do it again a week from now, it always works! He never learns.

What a joke. A sick joke.

I still continue to live regardless.



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