Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Upward trend

Things are moving. I'm feeling a little better. I've been forcing myself to take the next right action, to keep moving forward despite the urge to sit still, and I think it's made a difference. My mood is slightly better, and I think it's because I've forced myself out the door.

Yesterday, I made it to an AA meeting. I picked up a friend along the way, which forced me to go and stay for the entire meeting. Afterwards, I went out to breakfast with a couple of other friends. They know I've been struggling, and they were kind to suggest the outing. After returning home I crashed on my sofa, as that was a lot of activity for my fogged brain. But I survived.

Surviving is the extent of what I've been doing over the past few days. Work has been especially difficult. I've been in a state of gray, suspended animation. I've been such a fake. I could see myself from the outside looking in, as I performed with one patient after another. A performance, that's what it was. I acted as if, and wondered who I was the entire time. But again, I survived. I did what was required, and in the end, despite feeling like crap in the moment, maybe it helped in the long run. Who knows?

Today, as I start my day, the sky is clear, and the sun is about to rise. I doubt I would have noticed that even yesterday. So things are maybe, cautiously, looking up. I will continue to move as much as I can. I'll fake it if I have to, but hopefully I won't have to do that for much longer. I wish you all a day of sunshine and serenity. Keep moving.


Sharon Pernes said...

Good for you! That's definitely a step in the right direction.
I know what you mean by feeling fake, but what happens if you turn that around? What are you doing that makes you feel fake?

etta said...

The feeling fake comes from acting like everything is okay while feeling absolutely dead inside. But at least I am "doing," right?

Anonymous said...

Had to stop running about 20 years ago, knees and all that. Went to the Gym after a couple of months and did a stint on the life cycle. Made my knee feel better and made me feel mentally MUCH better. Started riding then, got out side and started riding more and more. Did 5000 miles each of 6 years, but only 4000 this year, because I have started running again!

Got a marathon scheduled for next Saturday. Because of a glitch, am doing a 4 week taper, and I am so depressed. That is how I came upon your blog.

This is my rambling way of saying, even if you can't run anymore, biking is so much easier on the body, work up to doing a century, and it will feel as good as a marathon. The only difference is that you'll be able to do another century the next day!

Good luck on your recovery!

The Barefoot Storyteller said...

Hang in there. I understand and empathise completely. When I am in a major dip I try to remember to say to myself "just one breath at a time". If I'm still breathing, I'm still doing something. Stay with it. Anyone would be feeling low after the surgery you've had and the disappointing news about not being able to run for a while - let alone someone who suffers from depression. I tend to forget that even though I have depression I am "allowed" to be a bit down and sad and fed up as part of the normal feelings of life. I always get so scared that if I'm a bit down then the darkness will swallow me up. I'm learning (working with my amazing therapist) to stay with the feelings and I'm trying to ride the waves a bit more rather than fighting against them.

Please, please, please don't be hard on yourself. Please, please, please be kind to yourself. You are still here and breathing.

Love and prayers.

non 12 step programs said...

I agree, I've had a similar experience and I've certainly grown.

Continuing Education for Counselors said...

Hang in there and stay strong

Jane said...

I hope things continue to look up for you.

Purple Pineapple said...

I started running at the beginning of last year. Then I faced injury after injury and surgery twice on both of my legs so that I can run and nothing has sidelined me as much as depression has. I've done 9 races between May and October this year, including a 1/2 marathon, and it was so hard staying motivated to train (I quit a lot and ended up doing smaller distance races because of it). I hate this disease and what it has done to me.

I'm so glad I found your blog. I've bookmarked it and I'll be back to read more.