Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Happy Birthday!

It's my birthday. Wow, I'm getting old! I remember when I used to think 40 was so old! Now I'm a bit into my 40's...yikes! I am blessed. I have everything I need, but it is a little tough for me to get older. I can't help but think about every year that passes, and what could have been, if not for depression altering my life. I'm grateful to still be a living, active participant in life. But I can't help but feel there is so much more I could be doing.

D and I had a conversation along these lines yesterday. He is a real worker-bee. He is very career oriented and quite successful. He's been working, and working hard, for over 35 years. I, on the other hand, can't seem to work 3 days in a row without having a meltdown. Whereas I used to work full-time, I now manage only part-time employment with success. I've tried working more, but I get overwhelmed, tired, and out of balance very quickly. I want to work more. I'd like to be a whole lot more financially comfortable than I am. I plan to work more. I just don't know when that plan will ever go into effect.

D and I both know this is a major difference in our lives. We discussed it yesterday. I worry he misses out on some of life by spending hours at work. I apologized for some recent comments I'd made which indicated just that. I also explained why I no longer work full-time. I'm sure it is hard for him to understand. I did my best to explain it, but for someone with as strong a work ethic as he has, I know it's probably difficult to comprehend. Regardless, it was a good conversation covering something I think we've both been worried, or at least thinking, about.

We've had a nice time together this weekend. It's been so great seeing him two weekends in a row. It will soon be three weekends in a row, as I'm going to spend Christmas with him and his family next weekend! We've relaxed more and talked more this weekend, and I've been happy.

Last night we spent hours at Bill and Cindy's house for dinner. There were six of us, as my sponsor and her husband joined us for the birthday celebration as well. Bill and Cindy made an amazing, huge prime rib meal. Everything was beautiful. I was so grateful to be surrounded by so much love.

And that's what I need to keep in mind this birthday. Not what I can no longer do, have, or be, but rather what I can do, what I do have, and who I can be. I am blessed. I have a life filled with satisfying work, people I love, activities I enjoy, and a lovable, loyal dog. I have everything I need.


ラスカルっ said...

Happy Birthday!!

Sharon Pernes said...

Happy Birthday
Your last paragraph hit it right on the dot. Try to think of what to come and not what has passed.

Kinza said...

Happy birthday, Etta. You are a remarkable woman. I love reading your blog, thanks for writing about yourself.

Jamie said...

Happy Birthday! Your last paragraph really hit the nail on the head, thanks :-)

Marti said...

Happy Birthday! This post sounds a bit more upbeat and that's good. I found your blog a month or so ago and it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm trying to get brave enough to write about my own experience but it would cause some troubles with my family and that would make it worse I think. Maybe one day.

Fred said...

You will eventually find a way to write you experiences, and your family will get over it. They will learn not to read it if they don't want to. I've been there. I have a LARGE immediate family, ten sibs and parents. One sister reads my work. My parents try, but they don't like it much. And that's just comedy site. I don't bother telling them about my other sites. They will get over it.