Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I understand I'm not

I don't understand
the ups and downs.
The rapid descents
following the sanity
discourage the most.

Nobody can tell me
what's going on.
Focus on getting through,
that's what they say.

But I can't understand
these rapid descents.
Crashing to earth
after feeling so,
dare I say,

I want to understand
what's going on.
Struggling through 
is admirable,
but it doesn't make it stop.
Understanding leads to treatment,
does it not?

Is it depression?
Is it character defect?
What's wrong with me?
Why can't normal last?
What did I do
to deserve such pain?

Everyone thinks
I am so strong.
But even I
can only take so much.

Everyone thinks
I am so strong.
But I'm afraid.
I'm afraid I'm not.


Unknown said...

Beautiful because of it's truth.
Thanks for sharing.

-Sparky- said...

Hmm. I like this alot. I hope you're doing alright, and know that I'm praying for you. When you don't understand what's going on, or where to go, it's then that you go to God and trust that He'll take care of you...He loves you so much.
God Bless,

Mohican said...

Great post. We're all afraid.

Gail said...

You can NOT always be strong with this monster. BUT you absolutely must make sure you are safe!

Kinza said...

Being strong does not mean you win every single battle in the most optimal manner. You are strong because you are able to be sincere. Thinking and praying for you.