Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Sometimes survival is ugly

Another Monday, and here I am. I am dressed and ready for work again. The weekend was long. I wish I could say it was pretty, but it wasn't. I grappled with the decision of whether or not to go to the hospital more than once. I was so low, suicide crept in and took up residence in my brain. I couldn't see a way out, and I couldn't stand feeling so miserable any longer.

Yet here I am. It's Monday. I survived. I pulled out all the stops and did what I needed to do. I talked to a lot of people over the weekend, friends and professionals alike. I wrote a lot. I ranted against the devil of depression, as I was furious with this illness. I took my meds as prescribed, including the as-needed meds I don't always like to take. I exercised when I could. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing. I slept a lot. My energy was sapped, and sleep, at least, was a good diversion. I did the best I could, and this morning things appear slightly brighter. I survived.

I don't like writing about feeling so miserable. Maybe I want to be some sort of depression hero, one who always puts up a noble, beautiful fight. But this weekend the truth was uglier than that. At times I was a tearful, crumbled mess rather than a poised, striking statue. Despite the ugliness, I made it through. It's Monday. Here I am. I'm still fighting the not-always-beautiful fight, and I'm hoping the battle will be over soon.


The Girl From Back Then said...

Well done for making it through; sometimes even basic survival can seem like a herculean effort. The tiniest molehill becomes a whole mountain and you have no tools to work with. It really is tough and you can always be surprised at the depth that the depression goes. I can't take it away for you of course, but I can, do relate so very much. I know of the heartache it becomes, the void inside of you where the earth used to be.

Sometimes all you can do is curl up very tightly like a hedgehog, and hope it passes soon. I really hope it does.


Sharon Pernes said...

First of all it's wonderful that you made it thru the weekend.
Do you know what it is about weekends that do this to you? Is it the down time, when you have time to think about things. From what you described it seems to me that just having this disease is what made you have hose feelings this past weekend. I think now that you came out on the other side today you should do some thinking about what the trigger is.
And of course please don't be afraid of going to the ER if things get too desperate.

AmbyLand said...

I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. Don't worry about being a downer. You are not. If you can say how you feel anywhere, its here. I am hoping your joy will come back soon too.

Mohican said...

This is one of your best entries yet. "Suicide taking up residence" and "depression hero" are the sort of evocative phrases one rarely hears. While you are paying the price of depression, it is obvious how hard you are working - even just to write this blog. I think it is paying off. It is helping others. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Never doubt you are a hero. You are a hero because you DID make it to Monday. You are a hero because you have the brass ba$$'s to say, "I need help".

Weak people don't ask for help - the strong do! It takes courage to write as you do - all of it (the good days and the bad). You are a strong voice for many who can not speak.

You are stronger than you feel, braver than you believe and smarter than you know (Christopher Robin said that ~ or something similiar ~ to Winnie-the-Pooh! I find it very comforting ~ and true)....

Etta regardless of whether you are having a good day or a bad day (or a REALLY bad day) - and whether or not you blog about it! EVERY single day you are hero simply because you are alive. I am proud of you - and I pray for you.

And yes, Etta, I sincerely consider you one of my heroes. ~ (((HUGE HUG WORTHY OF A HERO!!))


KAH said...

Keep on fighting. Keep on writing.

Adam said...

Glad you made it through the weekend. Keep on fighting.

Fred said...

This shows wisdom: "Maybe I want to be some sort of depression hero, one who always puts up a noble, beautiful fight."

This is a nicely-written blog. I'm your newest subscriber.

Therapist Finder said...


Do you know what it is about weekends that do this to you? Is it the down time, when you have time to think about things and cant rest to our mind.

etta said...

Several people have asked about why this happens over the weekend. Unfortunately I feel the same depth of depression (right now) during the week as well, although I must admit, things are better when I am distracted at work.
I am sure having more down time makes it more difficult NOT to focus on how crappy I feel. When I am doing things, I still feel crappy, but I am better able to cover it in those moments. Distraction is a great skill I learned a long time ago. I try to use it whenever I can.
In general, evenings--during the week and on the weekends--are my worst time.
Thank you all for your comments. They help me more than you will ever know!

Wendy Love said...

I can identify with and understand the things you are going through. We are all heroes for not giving up, so you are a hero!
I am a new subscriber and am going to link to your blog from my blog.
Keep up the good writing.

Unknown said...

We need you to write about the lowest points to know we are not alone xx