Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Gorilla

A one ton gorilla
sits atop my chest.
It is depression.
I am pinned.
There is no chance
of getting up.

A one ton gorilla
sits atop my chest.
I can't breathe.
My thoughts race
looking for a way out.
But the gorilla
will not let go.

I squirm with might.
I wiggle and flail.
Past successes matter not.
This time
the gorilla is not phased.
I know not what else to do.
My tool box is empty.

From my precarious perch
I scheme with friends.
I consult with professionals.
I summon the best,
and they surround me with care.
But the gorilla,
he is not moved.

A one ton gorilla
sits atop my chest.
Oblivious, he is,
at my attempts
to remove him.
Hopelessly suffocating,
I fear for my life.
I no longer know how to escape.
This gorilla, it seems,
will never be moved.


Chris said...

Remember Etta, he WILL move. You have wrestled with him before and his victory seemed assured...

But You won. You did.

And You will this time.

Anonymous said...

Keeping holding on. Thinking of you and saying prayers for you every day. Your blog has been so helpful to me.

Anonymous said...

Hi Etta ~ Just stopped by to let you know I was praying for you! I hope you continue to heal....


Lynn said...

As always, I am so grateful for your willingness to share your struggle, even in the midst of tremendous pain and that crushing lethargy that goes with depression. I can't begin to express how helpful it has been to read about your experience. It helps so much with my own struggles, my own feelings of shame and hopelessness that come with depression. Thank you so much, and my thoughts are with you as well as my gratitude for your generosity of spirit.

greatstaystill said...

lots of love and support for you during this bad time! even though some people reading your blog don't know you they do think about you. I am thinking about you and i am sending lots of warm energy!

snich11 said...

Have you heard about l-methylfolate (active form of folate)? Used to augment antidepressants in patients who are unresponsive/resistant to antidepressant tx...available as a prescription (Deplin) or I found it online at as 5-MTHF. Google 'Deplin'...lots of "buzz" recently on this. Also, I have read that the combo of Effexor and Remeron has been found to be very effective...might be worth a try. Good Luck!