Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Hospital Update

This is my first post of 2012, and it's about being in the hospital. Bummer. Actually, things are improving for me here. I had my 5th ECT treatment today. I am beginning to notice a brightening of my mood. I'm laughing a little easier, and my sarcasm is back. That's always a good sign.

Unfortunately, the days are long here. We have plenty of groups, but it is just hard for me to be in one place 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. I have not had many visitors, which has lengthened the time, it seems. We had a group about depression last night, and we were all noting how different our hospital experience would be if we were here for a heart attack or cancer rather than depression. None of the group members has any flowers or balloons in their rooms, for example, and I'm not the only one with few visitors. I'm not complaining. It's just reality. The stigma around this illness is thick.

I did have a nice long phone chat tonight with a friend, but I've not heard from D in a couple days. That makes me worried, of course. I'm worried he's finally thrown in the towel. Maybe this has all gotten too much for him. But I'm trying not to go there. Worrying about it doesn't do any good. I know that. However, I will be relieved when he calls!

It looks like I may be going home on Saturday. I'll have my 6th ECT as an inpatient on Friday and leave Saturday morning. I'll continue with outpatient ECT treatments next week. I'm a little anxious about going home. I don't want to crash and burn again. I'm worried about being home alone, isolating, and feeling overwhelmed with simple things again. I'm in the process of writing up a discharge plan, which includes strategies for dealing with anxiety at home.

I'm also quite anxious about returning to work. I need to do that as soon as possible in order to pay my mortgage, but I don't know if I'm ready yet. Technically, I'm not supposed to go back to work while receiving ECT. I'm actually not supposed to go back until I've been finished with ECT for at least two weeks! I just can't afford that. I don't want to set myself up to fail, so I'm going to need to have a heart to heart conversation with my boss very soon.

And that's the way it is here. Overall, I think things are improving. However, the truth will come out when I'm discharged and put to the test. I'm feeling more hopeful about that. The ECT is working. Hopefully, I'll be back to myself soon.


Anonymous said...

I have been keeping up with your blog and keeping you in my thought and prayers. You are very brave and strong to do what you need to do for yourself. You should feel proud of yourself for that. I am sure it is overwhelming and difficult to navigate all you have been, etc. Hang in there and know thought are with you.

Anonymous said...

you are in my prayers.

Kinza said...

Glad to hear you feel some improvement. Thinking about and praying for you. Love.

Anonymous said...

Etta ~ I am continuing to pray wisdom on you and those who are assisting in your care.

I am sorry you have not had more visitors. I assure you if I were closer I would visit. Not because I am Southern : ) or "Sweet" : ) but because I understand.

Take Care of You Etta ~ Maggie

(PS) When you feel lonely remember your readers ~ We are routing for you!