Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Looking Ahead

As we all know, no matter how we feel, life moves on. One of the events I am moving toward is The Boston Marathon. It is now only 11 weeks away, and I am as far out of running shape as I've been in the past 3-5 years. I managed a couple of 3-milers on the hospital treadmill while inpatient, and I've not done much more than that since coming home. On top of being plain out of shape, my right leg is still quite weak as a result of my knee surgery last October. Running, right now, is really difficult and no fun.

I've actually been contemplating skipping Boston, as 11 weeks is not really enough time to go from zero to the marathon, but I'd rather not skip it. It's important for me to go. It's important for me to get back in shape. It's important because going and getting back in shape are both ways for me to fight back--to battle against this ever-present depression--and to reclaim at least one positive aspect of my life.

I'm talking tough, but it's all talk. I really don't feel confident that I'll be able to battle back in time for Boston, but I've got to try. Today's effort consisted of a 4-mile long run. A 4-mile long run is a bit silly, but that's where I'm at. I was near tears by mile three. I'm not accustomed to running being so difficult, and I had to work hard to battle discouragement. Four miles was better than nothing.

My mood continues to be problematic. I am low, low, low. It's frustrating and scary. My mother is leaving tomorrow. It's been nice to have her here, and I'm a little worried about being alone again. I'm going to continue working an abbreviated schedule this week. The decision regarding disability, I figure, will eventually become clear. Life moves on. I've got to continue to move with it. I appreciate all of your comments, suggestions, and support as I battle through this difficult time. Thank you.


Anonymous said...

I hope you are doing ok with your mom leaving. So sorry that the low mood continues to be a struggle and work issues are so difficult. I admire you for doing what you are doing - running, trying to work, etc. It makes sense to take time with the work decision until it does feel more clear. It amazes me that even in the midst of such depression and worry, you are trying very hard to do your best for yourself and figure things out. It can be so difficult just to get up and do some day to day tasks. It really does feel like a battle, doesn't it? I hate the feeling for getting behind and catching up and crashing again. I try to accept that is a cycle for me that I don"t have a lot of control over. Thinking of you and wish the you the best.

Calling In Sick Today said...

Keep up the fighting talk like a running Ali, you are stronger than you realise. You sound like you might be accustomed to being tough on yourself. Is that true? And why is that? It's good to have goals, its cruel to set goal that you can't reach. I believe in you, only you know truly how you are inside and what is possible. Be kind to yourself and encourage a steady recovery. Thinking of you...


Katie Brind'Amour said...

Hi Etta -

I love your blog. I am not sure if my last comment got through to you or if the submission problem I had didn't send it, but I loved reading your determination to manage your depression, to live bravely with it against all odds, and to accomplish amazing things. I hope things go smoothly after your mother's departure, and I will be reading to hear about your progress with the upcoming Boston Marathon - I wish you the best of luck.

I was wondering if you might be interested in allowing me to write a guest post for your site. I am certified in Mental Health First Aid, I am a Certified Health Education Specialist, and I do freelance health and wellness writing. I am also pursuing my PhD in Health Services Management and Policy. I thought a piece on reducing stigma and finding individual ways of healing might appeal to your readers.

Please let me know if you are interested and I would be happy to write. Thank so much and take care!

Katie Brind'Amour

PS I am committed to a half-marathon - my first ever - and I am quaking in my boots!

etta said...

Thanks for your kind words, Katie, but I am the sole author of this blog. It is my story, my journey with depression. Good luck in your half marathon! Enjoy it!

Katie Brind'Amour said...

Thank you Etta - I understand. Best of luck to you!