Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Overwhelmed at Home

I got out of the hospital yesterday. My sponsor picked me up from the hospital, and then we picked up Puck from her house, and then we all came home. Oh my God! I am totally overwhelmed being home. Totally overwhelmed! I haven't been in my house since just after Christmas. My home feels sterile and unlived in. There are over 30 days of bills piled on my kitchen table. Nothing feels like my own. Everything feels foreign and confusing. I am a bit confused. After all, ECT effectively erases memory, and mine seems to be gone. It's difficult to describe, but I feel like a fish out of water in my own home. It's very unsettling. I've spent too much time crying my eyes out since I've been home, and right now I just want to curl up and cry some more. I don't know how I'm going to come through this. I'm so overwhelmed, and I feel so inept. I don't even know where to start. This illness has torn me down to the quick. I'm raw and exposed. Raw and exposed...

6 comments:

"Lil Ol' Me" said...

I am sooooo damn sorry!! One step at s time dear. One at a time.

You have been here before. You can do it again.

You are such an inspiration to me. Eat, sleep, snuggle w/your sweet furry love and take one moment at a time!!!

Sharon Pernes said...

I'm glad your home, just take it 1 moment at a time.

As my PDoc and therapist would say...maybe your suppose to feel this way after being gone so long.

I wouldn't beat yourself up over those feelings, you need to stay positive and for the time being your probably have to make yourself stay that way.

I get the same feeling when I come back from vacation or even a short hospital stay.

I know I have probably shared this with you before, but I would definitely get the book 'The feeling good handbook' by Dr David Burns. It has been a lifesaver for me. You will learn how to talk back to your negative feelings. Now that ECT is over you can basically start over and begin thinking in a more healthy way.

Feel free to email me if you want to learn more about the book or my story.

Catherine said...

I'm so sorry you are struggling. That has to be so hard. I can only imagine how out of your element you must feel right now.

I hope you can find some rest and hope in the midst of this and start some new memories in your home.

Be gentle with yourself, one thing, one moment at a time.

xx, C

Anonymous said...

Your house will feel lived in again as you live in it! You can't catch up on a month of being gone in a day or two. Don't try. I hate that feeling of being so overwhelmed. Take care of yourself first, reach out as much as possible and know that thoughts and prayers are with you always.
Nancy

Anonymous said...

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time......take your time - Y~O~U~R time.

Healing is not a race. No one is timing you - or rushing you. There is no set deadline. And most of all there is no "fail"!! The pressure you feel is Etta-imposed (WINK!)

Sit with Puck - Love on him - GAWD knows he missed his MOMMY!! : )
What better way to re-enter than through loving your dog?

Take it slow....take a deep breath....and put the fork down until you are seriously ready to eat that elephant!! : )

I pray you will be overwhelmed only with peace and love!! And I pray God will send you those who can best friend you and help you at this time..... Maggie

Tina said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed. Take baby steps, a little at a time. And take plenty of breaks with your dog!



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