Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Still Overwhelmed

I've been home for a few days now. I'm not doing very well. I called my mother over the weekend, and she flew into town yesterday. I was lucky. She had a free ticket to use, so she's here for the next week to help me out. We have one month worth of bills to go through, tax information to gather, and general housework to accomplish. It's really hard for me to ask for help, but I'm glad she's here. I was basically a basket case for the last few days. I think things will be easier with her here to help.

I returned to work yesterday afternoon for four hours. Again, I felt like a fish out of water. I feel like I'm barely holding it together. I'm afraid I'm going to crack if someone looks at me cross-eyed. People welcomed me back, but I could barely stand it. I felt all questioning eyes upon me. I was very uncomfortable. I go back tomorrow for another four hours, and I'm not looking forward to it.

This illness has really torn me down this time. I feel totally beaten up. My self confidence is shot. I feel incompetent at work and at home. I have a sponsee calling to continue going through The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I feel incompetent to guide her on her sobriety journey, too. I feel worthless and useless. Depression has cut my legs out from under me this time, and I'm not sure how to get back on my feet. It's been a long time since I've felt this beaten. Just beaten...

Somehow I've got to drag myself back up into the realm of the living. I'm not there yet. I've got to get back on my feet, exercise, go to work, socialize, attend to my commitments, and live life on life's terms again. It's easier said than done. I'm praying for a reprieve.


Sharon Pernes said...

I'm sorry you are not feeling well, but I can't help but think that you are suppose to feel like a fish out of water. If you understood that then you can embrace it and not worried about it as much.
Part of recovery is doing what we can to help ourselves and honestly it doesn't seem like you are right now.
Instead I would suggest that you try to talk back to your negative feelings, as I mentioned yesterday there is a good book that might help.
Another thing I do when in the depths of depression is read positive affirmations. This is my favorite
"make today a good day no matter what'
I hope things get better for you soon. Maybe go back and era soe of our more positive posts.

etta said...

I do know of the book you mentioned. Thanks for that, Sharon. I appreciate your honest comments, too. I will try some positive affirmations today, although, as you may guess, positive affirmations are about as far out of my reality as martians right now!
I guess the tenor of my post accurately reflects the tenor of my mood at this time. Like my post says, there does seem to be a different, more negative feel to my depression right now. As you suggest, I will go back and read some "more positive" posts. Perhaps that will help. Thanks for you feedback.

Calling In Sick Today said...

Wow, that was a very familiar and touching post to read. It reminded me of bring there myself. You are very brave, I know the courage it takes to put one foot in front of the other and see your work colleagues once again.

Only you know what you are capable of and what your potential triggers might be. I hope being back for those 4 hr shifts is yielding something uselful about potential triggers and how to manage them so that you can go from strength to strength. You are not better yet, so I hope you are cutting yourself some slack. Take care. Med.

Anonymous said...

So glad you reached out and your mom was able to come stay with you. Be good to yourself. It sounds like you are expecting a lot of yourself. You have been through so much - you have to give yourself time and take small steps. Jumping too quickly into work, housework, bills and sponsorship may be too much. Gradual, small, baby steps. Saying prayers for you.

Wendy Love said...

I am so sorry you are going through another bad time. I have only dropped by your blog today after a long absence.... anyways, I will be praying for you. I know what it is like.

Anonymous said...

Hang in are not alone. Your post really hit could have been written by me. We will get through this....step by step....moment by moment....together.

hereagain said...

When depression subsides I fool myself into thinking- OK it is gone for good. Then it yanks me back. Thank you for sharing. I don't feel so alone.

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I'm glad your mom is there to help. I'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed. It's so easy to say, take on one thing at a time, but I know it's hard. I have been where you are, so I understand. Things will get better. Thank you for being so honest about the depression. You are helping a lot of people.

HBF said...

Hang in there-it's hard to ask for help but you've taken a big step by letting your mom in :o) My thoughts are with you, watch out for any little reprieve-a silly bird, a glimmer of sun, or a waggin' flower the little things can help oh so much. Be well :o)

Anna said...

Hi. I just came across your blog today. First congratulations on dealing with your depression. It sounds like you are in close connection with your feelings and your ups and downs. I started being depressed after being layed off- years ago. A huge part of my depression was with my career derailment because of the economy. The silver lining in getting layed off is that I found a passion working with animals. I started to volunteer with animal rescue groups. I am a pet owner myself, and living with pets is a big help. You have a dog too right? Perhaps there is some other work besides your current job that will bring more spark in you? Instead of focusing on what is getting you down, how about asking yourself what would make you happy right now? What would make you smile- today?

Seriously how about volunteering at your local animal shelter? Most need folks to walk dogs and let them out of their cages. Hang in there!