Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Tough days

It's been a couple of really tough days here. My mood is again in the toilet, and I'm still in the hospital. The current plan is to dismiss Friday after ECT #9. I feel like I've been here forever, yet I'm still so low.

I'm worried and scared right now. I've had 8 ECT treatments with little to show for it. My mood doesn't seem to be responding, and that drags me further down the darkened path. I've been very tearful and sad. I spoke with my regular psychiatrist last night. Both she and my social worker recall that I didn't respond well last spring, either, until I had the 9th and 10th treatments. I hope they are correct. It's the only hope I have to hang onto right now. Hope is hard to come by.

I've not had the energy to get on the bike or treadmill for a few days. I'm trying to be okay with that. Focus on healing one thing at a time, I say. But I do feel better if I move my body, so I may try some gentle spinning tonight. I hope.

The days are long and dark right now. I'm saying my Serenity Prayer and asking God to take away the pain while shining a little light into my soul. As I see it, if ECT won't work, divine intervention is the only option remaining. I'm hanging in there, but I'm tired. I need a way out soon.

2 comments:

TMary said...

I am hopeful for you. You have shown me that you are very strong, and I believe in you. You write very well and have reached many people, including me. Keep going and never give up even though its hard. Prayers coming your way!

Daniel said...

Hang in there Etta. You may be down now but there will be an upswing soon. There always is. Praying for you.



.