Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Depression Steals Again

This post could also be titled, Another One Bites the Dust. Catchy, don't you think? Both titles are appropriate. Depression has cost me a lot over the years. So many valuable assets, like self confidence, financial independence, and employment security, have been lost to this illness. It is the king of thieves. And it has struck again.

Remember D? He was the boyfriend I had been building a relationship with since last June. Well, he's gone. Another victim of this selfish illness, he was unable to hang in there as depression ravaged my life over the past couple months. It wasn't dramatic. It was more of a slow, quiet disappearance. And then he was gone.

I last saw him at Christmas. We spent it together. In fact, I got out of the hospital, after three days, in order to travel to his home and be with him for the holiday. It was wonderful. One week later, I was back in the hospital. It was then that he began to pull away. I heard from him less and less, and only if I initiated the contact. Finally, after a long period of silence, I phoned him last week. We talked. But it was too late. He was already gone.

It's too bad. I will miss him. I already miss what we were building together. My friends tell me I deserved better. Maybe that's so, but D was where I was putting my energy. And I liked him. I respected him. We were good together. It's frustrating to lose to depression once again. It's too bad he couldn't see past an illness. It's too bad. And that's about all there is to say about that...


AmbyLand said...

I am so sorry. Weather or not he was good enough for you is not relevant right now. *hugs*

Kinza said...

Too bad. Relationships are hard, and wonderful.
Maybe it is not just the depression that caused the end of it. Usually it is the whole package of reasons, some of them are hard to identify, because they are subconscious. I wish I could identify reasons for the breakup with someone I am trying to get over with these weeks - I think if I understood it, it would be easier to accept.

etta said...

No, Kinza, it was the depression. He told me so. And it is too bad.

Kinza said...

Yes, most probably it was mainly the depression. Chronically suffering from something similar (dysthymia)I am aware this is a huge obstacle in a relationship, for me and for my potential partner. Maybe even more for me.
I am currently quite heartbroken myself, which keeps dragging me down and not letting go, so I am thinking a lot about love and chemistry and relationships lately. In my opinion and according to my experience, there is never just one thing that leads to a breakup. For example, living far apart, this might feel as a huge problem, but later you can meet someone living even further away, and the wish to overcome this can miraculously be much stronger and in this case location suddenly is not so relevant. Even if he said it was the depression, it just means that other positive things were not strong enough to outweigh it. It is the way I look at it, and I might be wrong, I am wrong about most things in life...
Take care, Etta, be good to yourself. Thinking of you.

Unknown said...

Difficult for both of you but he had a way out, you don't. Yet.
It's heartbreaking but I do believe in 'what's meant to be'.
I hope I'm right for your sake and you find someone, preferably nearer. It must have been hard for you to travel so far all the time.
Lots of love xx

Anonymous said...

So sorry.

So. Very. Sorry.


Anonymous said...

So sorry. So unfair and disappointing for you. Damn D. :( I so admire how you keep taking steps that you need to for yourself during the most difficult times. You are strong and you inspire me. Saying prayers for you.

Calling In Sick Today said...

Recovery is never without its set backs. And your future has not been written yet. You know both these things to be true even though you may not feel them at this time. Let your feelings be and work themselves through you. But don't let your feelings be your knowledge.

Borderline Lil said...

I'm so sorry Etta. You do deserve someone more compassionate. Now you can focus 100% on you and getting well and strong.

Kat Speeckaert said...

I'm so sorry: I wish it hadn't turned out this way.

Edward Debney said...

I'm not qualified to comment as I've only read a few posts, but I'm gutted for you.

Depression is a thief - I've lost jobs, friends, careers, loves, hundreds of possibilities and millions of possibilities that have come from those.

Every time it was horrible.

And with every redrafting of the reality I've known, there's been fresh things to like (and fresh things to despise!).

Hope you feel better,

For whatever good the thoughts of a stranger can do.