Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Walk. Run. Stop.

I've been doing okay with my plan to get outside once per day. I've walked or run short distances the last four days in a row. And by short, I mean less than 2 miles on most days. My mood, unfortunately, has remained at an all time low. It's frustrating and unbelievable.

Today, since it was Saturday, I decided to reinstitute a long run of sorts. After all, Boston is on the horizon, and if I am going to have any chance to complete it, I need to get some long runs done. To that end, I scheduled myself for an 8 mile walk/run today.

It was an absolutely gorgeous morning today. The warm winter weather we're having is amazing. I attended my usual AA meeting and then came home to nap. After napping, something I've been needing to do an abundance of lately, I stepped outside to begin my effort. Unfortunately, I knew from the start it wasn't going to be an easy day.

My plan was to run one mile, walk for one minute, and then run again. So really, I was heading out for 8, one mile runs. Doable, I thought. Unfortunately, my body didn't agree. I was winded almost immediately. By mile three, I had the urge to walk for way more than one minute, and after mile four I did just that. I walked through half of mile five, and by mile six, walking 100 percent of the time, I cut my route short and came home.

I was frustrated and disappointed. While I have to give myself credit for getting outside, I'm really stunned at how difficult/impossible my little experiment turned out to be. When I got home, I fell asleep again. My body, it seems, has a mind of its own right now. And that mind is a depressed, sad, fatigued mind at best. I am beside myself with frustration.

I'm trying to get out, even though I don't feel like it. I'm trying to participate in life, even though the thought repulses me. But this depression episode just won't let go. I'm tired all the time. My mood is in the toilet. My motivation is lacking. I'll try to forget about today, and I'll get back out on the road again tomorrow. Maybe two miles is the maximum I can expect from this tired body right now.


Calling In Sick Today said...

I really admire your strength here... to be so active in the face of your depression is a real testiment to your character.

Now, whilst I am reading much about what you are doing... I feel I know much less about what is going on inside. What you are thinking. I know you are thinking... that is in essence the curse of depression and the likely reason for your tiredness is it not? But what are these thoughts, and have you been able to wrestle them into obedience? Perhaps something for a future post...


Wendy Love said...

I woke up this morning thinking about you and felt compelled to send you a little gift, 101 Free Depression Getaways, an upbeat document I created for my blog. Wanted to send it by email but you don't have a contact on your blog so here is the link for you to get my free gift
Hope you can have some fun with it. Hope and pray today is a better day than yesterday.

mao inhibitors said...

i appreciated your effort.i think motivation is the only factor which will increase or decrease our commitment toward your goals.i am also fighting against depression