Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Challenged

It's tempting to say, "Why me?" It's tempting. My knee is keeping me off the road. The speed workout went undone on Tuesday. The seven miler did not get run on Thursday. And the 17-miler, crucial training for an upcoming Boston Marathon, will not even get started tomorrow. I am so discouraged.

It would be easy to inquire, "Why me?" I've certainly been through a lot lately. From November through early February, I was barely myself. Depression enveloped me like a dark, leaden cloak. I could barely function. Hospitalization, ECT, financial stress, and a break-up...I figured that was enough. But God had other plans, I guess. Other plans he had for me.

Much of the time, but not always, I believe things happen for a reason. Sometimes I have faith God only gives us what we can handle. Regardless of what I believe, however, I'm here, in this situation, right now. It is what it is. It's tempting to ponder, "Why me?" But what would that accomplish? I can't waste any energy feeling sorry for myself.

I'm worried. I'm worried about my knee. I'm worried about my mood. I'm worried about my mood because of my knee. My track record when I've been injured and unable to run is not the best. But more concerning than my past record is how I'm feeling in this moment. My mood has definitely dropped a notch since Monday's injury. That concerns me.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frightened; if I didn't admit I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am concerned. I know life is not always easy. And that's certainly true right now. I'm being challenged. I'm being challenged big time! It's simple to wonder why. But that only avoids the challenge and leaves me stagnant. I cannot wallow. Wallowing is useless. I do not have the luxury of self-pity. I have to face the fear. I have to fight.

4 comments:

Kinza said...

Uff, this is tough to swallow. Try to keep up your spirits in some other way except running, and follow advice of experts. And pray. I am thinking of you.

Kitty said...

you are a true champion.

Renée said...

I also have the "why me's".....depression is hard enough without the day to day crap. I'm to sick to run right now...I just keep hoping "this to shall pass"

Hang in there!!
-Renée

Patty Taylor said...

Etta, I hope that you are able to do some other type of exercise to help keep your mood up. Personally, I can't survive without exercise and become terribly depressed when I can't. This is a very difficult situation. My heart goes out to you.



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