Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Thinking, thinking, thinking

In my last post I was fretting about my fragility and longing to be normal. Well, not too much has changed in the past couple days. I'm still worried about my mood. It's still not up to par with where I was a few weeks ago. For example, I ran 15 miles this morning. It was a really good run, too. My last two miles were faster than the pace of the previous thirteen. That's always nice. I felt great immediately after the run, but that hasn't held. I've been sinking ever since.

My psychiatrist, who I saw yesterday, is concerned. She wants to increase one of my meds again. We decreased it a few weeks ago. It was making me gain weight. I didn't like that. Obviously, I balked at increasing it. She respected that, but if my mood continues to slide, I'm pretty sure I won't have much of a choice the next time I see her. And that's okay, I guess. I trust her, and I doubt I'd be alive without her. I'm grateful for her compassion, assistance, and excellence.

While I was running this morning, I was thinking about my last post and "normalcy." I wonder how many years I'd have to go without a significant dip in my mood to lose the mistrust of the future. I wonder how long it would take for me to gain the air of certainty that my plans would come to fruition. I wonder if I'll ever stop expecting the other shoe to drop. I wonder.

Ideally, I suppose I should stop wondering and begin working on acceptance. After all, I have only so much control over what direction this illness will take. I can't imagine how miserable I might be if I didn't exercise, eat right, stay sober, and attempt to keep my life stress low. The fact that I still suffer, despite taking these steps, should help me accept this is a biological, physiological illness. So why do I still get stuck feeling like it's a character defect?

Boy, I'm all over the map with this post today. I guess that's consistent with my racing brain right now. It's all over the place, too. Another sign I'm not doing the best... I'll close by thanking all of you for visiting my little blog. I appreciate it. I hope something I said makes life today a little easier for at least one of you.


Med said...

Sounds like we are in a similar place right now.

Someone You Know said...

Just thought I'd stop by and say that your running has inspired me to get started. I've always been a cyclist and swimmer but I run like a duck! So I've started on a Couch 2 5k routine and will see how it goes. There's always the saying that exercise improves mood, well, anything that might help is worth it!
Take care and best wishes for the week

Anonymous said...

Thank for your post. You may feel that You are all over the place but it makes sense to me. What you have said I feel. I have been self treating for 4 years and now have given in to the pills. I not sure what my life will be
I can't enjoy much anymore. It's really cripling. I try to pretend to friends and family that things are ok but I am losing my ability to pretend. How have you dealt with relationships I wonder. Thank you again. F

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your blog, often I feel that spiral downa and do not know how to stop it, recently my gratitude journal has been helping. Every day I write 20 things I am thankful for. Number 20today is a desire to do better.

Anonymous said...

I am trying to accept the fact I have depression.My doctor put me on celexa but I have not started it yet. I am going to start it tonight. I just want to feel like a person again. I have forgotten what that feels like. I would like to know if what I have is depression. For several years I was sure I had cancer or something. I am almost sure I would be dead by now. I didn't think anything could make you fell this physically bad and not kill you.

Imogen said...

My first reactions is that as you are in training for a marathon you are likely to be using up nutrients up left, right and center. So it would worth getting an assessment from a Nutrition Consultant or an Orthomolecular doctor. You want them to schooled the in practice of Abram Hoffer and Carl C Pfeiffer. Both researched the nutritional aspect of mental illness.

From what I've seen of your photo you might be a "high histamine" type (tend to slim as they have a high metabolic rate.)

Also you talk about your fears for the future and how your mood instability causes that. In practice it may be other way round. Change your assumptions about the future and you may find your mood begins to lift.

Changing those assumptions can be surprisingly easy. Having been trained in Hoffer & Pfeiffer schools of nutrition, I have now grown in the Emotional Freedom Techique (EFT). Hoffer & Pfieffer's work really makes a difference and still does in my life and when I got to a certain level of healing I need something more as well.

Sorry not to give more details here. You can find out more on my blog at