Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Fraud

Have you ever felt like a fraud? Have you ever felt like you're fooling everyone around you into believing you really know what you're doing when you're certain you don't? It's not a comfortable feeling. Do you know what I'm talking about?

I'm feeling like a fraud at my new job. It's not a new feeling. I've had it before, but it's been awhile. I hate feeling like a fraud. It means I'm scared, self-conscious, and insecure. Those are not enjoyable feelings either. I feel like I'm fooling my boss, colleagues and patients; tricking them into believing I'm a good physical therapist. And I'm just waiting for all of them to figure me out.

Worrying about when they're going to discover my ignorance puts me on pins and needles. As a result of my self-imposed anxiety, I can barely think. I really feel dumb. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know I'm not dumb, and sometimes I even think of myself as a decent physical therapist. But those thoughts are few and far between. Mostly I feel like a complete fraud.

From experience, I know this feeling will likely pass. Yes, I've been here before. I'm uncomfortable and anxious. I'm dreading returning to work tomorrow. Yesterday I could barely breathe. It's going to take too long, I believe, but I think the feeling will eventually pass.

I've talked to my sponsor, Joan, and my friend, Cindy. Both suggested I pray. Pray to do the best job I am able and leave the rest to God. Phew! That requires a fair amount of faith. But I'm at a loss, so I guess that's what I'm going to do. Tonight, tomorrow... I'm going to pray. I hope they are right. I want to be relieved of feeling like a fraud.

6 comments:

Linda said...

Prayer is the best thing to do. I can relate, it happens to me as well. I will pray for you.

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

Yes, I know what you mean by feeling like a fraud. I've had that feeling before, mostly on the job. When I first started my current job as a reporter, I kept waiting for my boss to figure out I couldn't do the job. I could do it, but it was lack of self-confidence and fear that made me feel that way.

I hope the feeling passes sooner rather than later. And I will say a prayer for you too, to do the best you can and let go of the rest. That's all we can do.

jim said...

that happens to even the most self-assured of us at times. Focus on learning the skills you need to learn and with time the feeling of fraud should pass.

HBF said...

Funny you should post this now when I've been struggling with feeling like a fraud myself-about my depression! I have a top-notch self criticism drive and guilt machine and lately it's been trying to convince me that I milk my disease just to be lazy. The brain is a devious thing sometimes! Stay strong-you're heart is in your work and that makes you far less fraudulent than a lot of people :o)

Wendy Loveh said...

I understand completely. But then think of it this way, is 'feeling like a fraud' and 'being a fraud' the same thing? No, the truth is, you really are a physical therapist, true? True! Only natural to feel like you know nothing on a new job. I remember one time on a new job I asked my boss if I was asking too many questions. He said 'no, I would be worried if you didn't ask any questions at all, let's face it, you are new!'
Anyways, prayer is always the absolute best solution for any problem. I mean sharing our problems and then leaving them with God, creator of heaven and earth and everything in it? Great choice, you can't go wrong. I will add my prayers to yours....

Anonymous said...

Agreed you are new which is not the same thing as a fraud, a couple days ago you spoke about gratitude. Re-visit that place, I love my gratitude journal it keeps me in perspective about both sides of my life.

My go to is... I am "fill in the blank with negative thoughts"

My gratitude tells me "fill in the blank with positive thougths"

Anyway balancing for me. Thanks for sharing it is a painful place to be when you are feeling fraudy, we hear you, and we've been there before too.

Prayer works! love everyones insight, thanks bloggers



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