Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, August 31, 2012

Something is wrong with etta

I apologize profusely for my inattention to this blog over the past week. I believe this is the longest gap in posts since I began this blog over 4 years ago. I pride myself on regularly posting here, so I come back to you ever so apologetically.

I haven't been participating in life much this week. My mood took an extremely precipitous dive last weekend. I ran my half marathon on Saturday, and I felt like my fairly-normal-self afterwards. As far as I remember, nothing abnormal happened Saturday or Sunday, but by mid-day Sunday I was reeling in the abyss. The world was dark. My thoughts were darker. I was overwhelmed and paralyzed. Just like that...

My situation has not improved this week. Things are still very dark. My thoughts are frightening, yet I am somehow not frightened. And that is a bit scary...if that makes any sense. It's been a really, really rough week.

It's been so rough, I haven't had the energy to do much of anything, including posting here. Nor have I been a model patient or role model. I've been isolating. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I've had fits of anger and frustration. I've thrown meds in the toilet, contemplated my worthiness, and been obstructed by a very noisy brain. I haven't always handled things well this week.

I do feel an obligation to be a positive voice here, which made the thought of blogging when I felt so low a precarious proposition. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I couldn't post what I was feeling, thinking, or doing, as there wasn't much positivity in any of it. So I didn't post anything at all.

But tonight I figured I'd at least let you know what's been going on, even if it meant skipping most of the gory details. The gory details aren't necessary. Many of you have been there, done that. Things suck. Life doesn't seem worth living if it means living like this, which is why I'm praying for relief. I'm doing what I can, and I'm waiting. I'm hoping this will pass soon.


Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I'm sorry you're going through this hard time. Please don't think you always have to be a positive voice. Write what you feel like you need to write.

I'm going through a similar time, so I can relate. Life is dark and slow and I'm praying for the darkness to pass. I'll pray for you, too, Etta.

Anonymous said...

Hope it passes quickly, Etta. So frustrating to have sudden change and not know why. It will pass though. Remember how well you have done. Reach out as much as possible even though you don't want to. Will keep you in my prayers.

Sam said...

I'm not sure if I've commented before, but I've been enjoying reading your blog. You have an important voice to share, regardless of how you are doing.

I think it's important for people to know that living with (and, if possible, recovering from) severe depression isn't all sunshine, rainbows and lollipops. Sounds kind of obvious when I put it like that, doesn't it?

Go hug that Puck of yours, ok? I have a little chi x terrier called Malcolm (also a runner!) and I know the healing power of a good canine cuddle. I call it my "Malcolm Mindfullness Meditation".

Ruby Tuesday said...

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time.
I can relate,
I'm becoming increasingly isolated too, my illness just wants me to itself.

Please don't feel you can't put your feelings down on your blog, your blog is for you primarily,

Hand in there,

Sending you hope and courage x

Erica said...

My heart goes out to you, Etta! I've been on a roller coaster myself the past week, though not to the degree as you've had. Take comfort in knowing that as bad as it gets, you are not alone.

And I agree with the posts above me: you must write about the good times and the dark times. For how else will the world understand this disease if it cannot peer into the depths of the abyss? Allow yourself the freedom to write from your soul and release the thoughts that plague your mind. For me, writing is an outlet for me to clear my thoughts and make sense of them. You deserve the same allowance.

I will pray for you too, that you find yourself back in the sun sooner rather than later. And as hard as it is to remember these things, there are so many people who love and care about you and who understand first hand what you are going through. You are not alone!

Stationary Runner said...

You don't need to be positive all the time. In fact... I think your honesty about how difficult depression is, while you're in the midst of it, is really helpful in a way for other people (including people who aren't depressed themselves but whose loved ones deal with depression). There is nothing easy about depression; there is no quick fix, and I'm glad that you are honest about that.

I really, really hope that you feel better very soon. Keep writing, keep reaching out, knowing there are people who understand and empathize.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you had a rough week, i hope by now you feel a little better. Hang in there!!

Thanks for sharing how you feel and being honest, that' why I follow your blog, not because you are always positive and happy. For me it helps to write when I'm depressed and I hope posting about it, helped you too to feel a little better.

michael platania said...

"I was reeling in the abyss. " Anyone who has been there knows exactly what that means and feels like. Take the time you need to heal.

Unknown said...

I've just come across your blog. This entry touched me because this week I felt exactly the same. I too want to reach out into blog land and share my experience. to try to remove the stigma surrounding it. I have always been proactive in my recovery, and would love to share my ideas and inspiration.