Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Damn money

I'm sitting here with my foot in a bucket of ice trying to abate the tendinitis in my right achilles tendon. But tendinitis is not what's on my mind tonight. I'm thinking about money, damn money. If there's one thing that gets me going, it's financial stress. And right now, if there's one thing I've got, it's financial stress. Dammit! I hate financial stress!

Financial stress almost always makes me resentful of my illness. Resentment is not a sentiment I can afford, as it, too, will drag me down. Anyway, I'm resentful of this damn illness, because my financial stress is a direct result of depression. Before I got sick, I worked full-time. Since the onset of depression, I've either not worked or worked part-time. Part-time is nice. It keeps me emotionally stable, but it sucks when it comes to paying the bills. And every once in awhile, for various unforeseen reasons, it really, really sucks! That's where I'm at right now.

I opened my checking account last night and found that, as scheduled, all my bills had been paid. Unfortunately, I also discovered my account balance was zero! I have another 7 days before my next paycheck comes. How did this happen? Well, as I mentioned, various unforeseen circumstances. I live on a razor thin line between solvency and insolvency. It doesn't take much to upset the apple cart.

I don't want to go into all of my woes, but my apple cart has definitely been upset. This kind of stuff really bothers me. I pride myself on being very good with my money. I don't buy anything I don't need. I'm never late paying bills, and I don't even use credit cards! No matter what, I take care of my responsibilities. Seeing a zero account balance, especially when I've got a week before another paycheck, is not sitting well.

I do have a small savings account, which I hate to touch, but I guess this is one of the reasons I have it. Of course, then I worry about replacing the savings account money! Ugh! Like I said, financial stress really gets me going. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.


Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I hate financial stress, too. Worrying about money leads to worrying about other things, and it's a major stressor sometimes. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Anonymous said...

yeah, I know what you mean, sorry it sucks - and when I'm really in whiney child mode i want to say "it's not fair" and stamp my feet quite a lot.

Jean Grey said...

Some people have time, some people have money- few people have both! I am wondering about cutting down on my hours for myself. Unfortunately, it is not so easy after getting used to a full-time salary lifestyle. I'm glad to see you are making it work.