Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Cleaning day

I'm taking a late afternoon coffee break. I've spent the day cleaning my house. I don't think there's much I dislike more than cleaning. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't be embarrassed if someone dropped in just about any day or time. I keep my house picked up and the dishes washed, etc... But I really dislike cleaning. Things I've been doing today, vacuuming, washing floors, dusting, scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom; these are the things I don't care to do. But I've got company coming.

I guess that's the good and the bad reality of impending company. I get a really sparkly house out of the deal, which I love, but I hate making it sparkle! I'm surrounded by sparkle right now, although I still have to clean the bathroom! Damn!

I'm looking forward to my company, D, arriving tomorrow evening. He'll be here until mid-day Sunday. I wish we could spend more time together, but that's the major challenge of living 4 hours apart. It's one of many big challenges. But so far, I think it's been worth the work.

I'm sure we'll spend more time working, i.e. talking, this weekend. I sure wish D could assure me he won't disappear again if I have a depression episode, but maybe it's not fair to expect such assurances. This is a developing relationship after all. Nevertheless, I worry. I try not to think into the future. But I can't help but wonder what will happen if I get sick and end up in the hospital. If he's unable to say he won't leave, I guess I have to decide if continuing to see him is worth the risk. Work...

I try not to have the worry thoughts. I much prefer to stay in the moment and enjoy our time together. And for the most part, that's what I plan to do this weekend. I think it will be a good weekend, too short, but good nonetheless. I'll keep you updated.  


Unknown said...

Cleaning is a bit of a bother, I know what you mean. I guess it gets it out of the way for another while though, and there is a sense of achievement that goes with it. :)

Erica said...

I understand your concerns, and I sympathize. As you wrote, stay in the moment and enjoy the good. The pieces will fall into place from there. If it's meant to be, it will be; all you can do is do your best and trust that things will work out as they're supposed to. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

etta said...

Very wise words, Erica. Thanks.

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I would echo Erica and say to try to just enjoy being with him and stay mindful of the moment. That's hard, I know! I'm glad you enjoy being with him. I hope you have a great time!

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way about cleaning! I really hope you had a wonderful weekend. Only time will tell if he is able to handle depression. I do believe people can learn and improve if they are willing to. For now, just enjoy!